I know you didn’t want to end it this way
But deep down inside I thought you would be okay

Yet still you were offered the very same choice
In the end you silenced and succumbed to the voices

The choices leading up to were a culmination of many
Yes you made mistakes, yes there were plenty

You became your own judge and jury, determining your fate
You chose to die, you saw no other escape

It hurts me to know, you chose to be alone
Knowing you had so much support, a love from many was shown

You were loved by so many, but love couldn’t keep you here
For if love could have saved you, you would be near

Left trying to put together a puzzle, now there are many pieces gone
Part of the pieces understand you suffered for so long

While others remain sullen and sad, I pick them up and put them down
Part of my healing, because I refuse to give up and drown

Life will never be the same, for it’s not supposed to be this way
I continue to draw close to God, when I’ve got nothing left to say

I know you saw no way out, you simply had no hope
You fought a long and grueling battle, it all ended with dope

To say I hate that drug, wouldn’t never even surmise
I sat and watched how it stole the light from within your eyes

You lost the spark, slowly it crept in
Yet I know you didnt want to die, and the enemy still didn’t win

He surrounded with doubt, the record always played
He was right there whispering in your ear for you not to stay

Death has been defeated, it was defeated at the cross
And I know that I will see you again, even when I deal with loss

For he paid the price for us all, we are covered in his blood
I know that he will carry me, his love is enough

And every day he will give me strength, as my feet touch the ground
And he will listen and heal my heart, he is the hope I have found

The only one never changing, he is steady and sure
Like the footsteps in the sand, he
carries me on the shore

When there should be two sets of footprints, there will be only one you’ll see
He is my loving father, greatest comforter, he is carrying me

Who can get in the way of a mother’s love?
It’s fierce and strong, yet as gentle as dove
In her heart you find wisdom, in it remains love
The amounts of tears she sheds for her children, it’s never enough
I know only from observation, and what I have seen
A Godly example of my mother, she is a queen
She stills knows how to guard me, most importantly how to pray
She knows when to listen and what to say
All because she doesn’t try to change me but accepts me as I am
Her love is like no one, and she calls me her friend
To say that I love her, would just simply not compare
To how fortunate I am, that her womb held me there
The true heartbeat of her example, simply shines through the dark
When she can’t speak or verbalize, she creates a spark
Its behind the scenes where her war wages on
She continues to fight with her faith, she is incredibly strong
I desire to be like her, to have faith like that or simply scratch the surface
For when eternity calls us home, we will know it was worth it
Worth every selfless act she continued to chose
To continue to pursue God, when she is unglued
Mom to say that I love you would never compare
Just thank you for always having my back, and covering me in prayer💜

They say it’s when your in the fire you’re true colors are shown
Whatever lies in your heart will be revealed and become known

The fire burns, yet it brings such a purity
It strips you bare, revealing insecurities

Yet liberating at the same time, depending on whom you trust
I’ve got the eye of the tiger yall, I just don’t give up

If others had walked a day in these shoes
Their feet would be battered, callused and bruised

To whom do you surrender when life puts your back up against a wall
Whom do you turn to, when your faith feels small

You are the company you keep, surround yourselves with hope and faith
God has given us one another to help us endure the race

For when we feel we can’t go on, they begin to rise to the occassion
Friendships that are tested through every season and situation

If you can count them on one hand, you are blessed
Its quality, not quantity when life is distressed

I’m thankful for each one that God has gifted to me
These friendships are precious and help me to see

When I walk through the dark, I’m surely not alone
For it is in theses relationships, his presence is shown

The long winding road of grief
Beats like hot summer on the soles of your feet

Very little shade to run to, to cool them
Only temporary moments of peace, pain surfaces again

Running this way and that, brain isn’t clear
Only moments of solace that sometimes appear

It takes almost half the day to climb out, man am I beat
Then it starts all over, like a record on repeat

Night time settles in, and off in distance
My eyes well up with tears thinking about your existence

This feels like a nightmare all over again
I can’t sugar coat this one, nor begin to pretend

I’ve come to the complete end of myself, not having a will of my own
Pleading and bargaining with God to make himself known

I pray for the serenity to accept what I can’t change
Like a lost child with no home, I feel estranged

I wrestle with God, its like a match I can’t win
We live in a dark,cold world that’s so broken by sin

Free will sucks when you are the recipient of others choices
Left with the pain, trying to suffocate the voices

So many emotions, I can count them one by one
Yet I feel like I haven’t even grieved yet, like it hasn’t begun

It’s hard to see when you are crowded in the valley
It’s dark and lonely, like a desolate city alley

Yet I still know with all that I am that God has a plan
I lean not on my own understanding and I grab hold of his hand

He walks beside me, can’t you see him there?
Surely he is the only reason I’m standing, for he truly cares

He weeps when I grieve, he catches every tear
He gives me courage to stand when l want to disappear

Make no mistake about it, I want to run away
So please don’t even ask me, how I am today

I’m doing the best I can in each moment, I’m trying you see
What you dont know what to say, please just let me be

There are no words that can be spoken
Just a heart that is grieving and is simply broken

I sit outside alone with the lord

He alone gives me confidence when I’m unsure

It wasnt long ago when you were sitting here holding my hand

As we sat and listened to music, and you didnt understand

Feeling socially isolated as if no one understood

I try to relate to you the best that I could

Truth be told, I could never know what you battled

Every heart knows it’s own measure of joy and sorrow, you became fragile

A fragile delicate heart, with no one you could trust

But God was there with you, when you had given up

I forgive you in the midst of it all

For I know truly, you felt very small

Like you failed in life, with no purpose left

You suffered in silence at times, quietly you wept

I’m so sorry you endured so much pain

In the end God was with you, he showed you restraint

He welcomed you home to a love you never knew

Which is so hard to accept, but I know that is true

Your soul is at peace, it gives me such relief

And yet while I grieve, you’re suffering has ceased

I’ll hold onto our memories togethers, they are my treasure

Thank you for trusting me and our time together

I loved to see you smile, it made my heart skip a beat

You smiled even in you’re suffering, when the pain lurked beneath

The end result doesn’t define the character you possessed

You were my brother and my friend, in which I’ll never forget

While I move forward your memory will always remain

And when I struggle to preservere, Gods love will sustain

One day at a time, he holds my broken heart

He captures my tears in a bottle, when I’m in the dark

I long to see you one more time

I’ll keep our memories together, forever in my mind

Continue reading ““Enduring the Race””

When the storms of life blow you’re way

What do you build your house on so it won’t blow away

Everyone will face hardship and uncertainty that will challenge their faith

When you build it on the rock, you can endure the race

Not a physical house as you may interpret

But your soul, mind and will that’s what is urgent

For at the end of life there is one thing that remains

Keep you’re eyes focused on the lord, this will protect you from the rain

For when the storm draws closer, and winds start to blow

He is ever near and his face he will show

He is close to the brokenhearted, comforts those who grieve

He knows how to listen, he knows what to say when your heart bleeds

He is a good good father, he always has a plan

Even when its storming, just cling to his hand

Keep your confidence in him, for he will carry you through

Run to him daily, when you dont know what to do

Like a mother who comforts her chicks and places them under her wing

His love is similar, true comfort he will bring

If you’re not in a storm, make you’re foundation secure

For while he holds our tomorrow, of this I am sure

We will all face things in life, no one is exempt

Place your trust in him, please make an attempt

For in this is wisdom before the cold winds blow

Making you’re foundation secure, for this I truly know

Nothing happens in our lives without his allowance, he is sovereign

He always has the final word, even when the enemy comes robbing

He sets our feet upon a rock, we are in his hands

Placing our faith in him even when we don’t understand

The only certainty we have is that he is steady and unchanging

He walks by our side when the storm is raging

For when the storm passes, you will come out refined

You’re faith made even stronger, and peace you will find

We will continue to face challenges until the day he returns

Remain in the refiners fire, allowing him to burn

What will remain is all that is true

Coming out of the fire an even better you

The tongue has the power of life and death

Keep a guard on your mouth to see your best life yet

Seasons come and seasons go
Each season is an opportunity to grow

While it doesnt always feel good, the opportunities are there

You have to fill your vessel before you can share

Meditate on thoughts that are truth and worthwhile

Speaking life from your mouth, produces an inner smile

My confidence is not in myself, praise the lord

He reminds me everyday that while I’m broken I’m secure

Opposition makes you stronger, it’s a chance to grow

You either become bitter or better, the choice is yours you know

Life isnt always fair, surely I’ve been dealt a hard deck

At times I can’t reason or organize my brain, at least not yet

I’m okay with that, it’s just where I am
It’s where you end in life, not where you began

Continue to chose life daily, the choice is all yours

For me, it means running desperately to the lord

He is my provider, my safety in time of need

He hears my broken heart and questions, even while I bleed

The clouds are passing overhead, I can see the blue sky

For know I lay down my reasoning, my questions, my whys

At the end of our lives we will all give account

For what we have done with the gifts that he gave us, that’s what life is about

It may be mercy, compassion, or possibly teaching, writing or being someones ears

Own it, nurture it, show God that you care

Mine may look different than yours and that is okay

But chose life today, and meditate every day

I try imagine heaven, only in my mind

To know that you are at peace will only come with time

Right now I’m hurt and wounded, feeling totally stripped

Feeling so broken because my love wasn’t enough to equip

In you I saw potential, a strong leader with a courageous heart

You never had it easy, didnt have a good start

I’m left trying to piece together the puzzle of what went wrong

Then I simply realize you were hurting for so long

Trying to medicate the pain that lurked beneath surface

For deep inside you just didnt recognize that you had a purpose

Your life was a gift, at times it was a burden

But I accepted the good and the bad because I knew you were hurting

Left without you here, is the fear of the unknown

How to live and be again, my heart just groans

The shock is wearing off now, it’s no longer a like a haze

At times i get so caught up with emotion, I just sit and gaze

Wondering if there was something more I could have done, but I know the isnt true

For you had the choices as I did, it was simply up to you

To decide when to seek recovery, how and where to go for hope

All of the resources right at your disposal, but you chose not to cope

If love could have kept you here, you’d be standing here today

But that’s not reality, it’s all I’ve got to say

You had family that loved you, friends for support

The very best lawyer to represent you in court

These choices were yours, you simply had to make them

I’m learning to recognize the truth, so that I can grow and learn again

Every day is a struggle, yet I’m determined to live

And when push comes to shove, I reach out with love and give

Giving to those who have nothing, for inside I still have hope

Relying on my vices and strategies to simply cope

One day at a time for it’s all I can handle

If I look to far ahead, I simply become dismantled

God gives me grace, to live my day by day

I just kept hoping and believing it wouldn’t end this way

When this life is over, I smack you first then give you a hug

Then realize for right now, you’re my big brother up above

Damn it’s hard, I miss you bro, I’d do anything for you

I but the choices were you yours, that’s simply the truth

Feeling all disheveled with my soul laid bare
Feeling isolated and alone, because you are not there
Just want to tell you that I love you, just one more time
I cant wrap my head around it, you’re always on my mind
A part of me has died, inside an empty hole
Knowing you took your life , and what you stole
A part of me is angry, yet a part is very frail
Knowing you held on as long as you could, it just isnt fair
Your body remains here, your soul with the lord
Not sure what to do with this pain, I feel so unsure
You were like a rock, always resilient and strong
Good at whatever you put your hands too now forever gone
What am I supposed to do without you by my side
I felt you were my safety, now I can longer hide
I knew with you I was always safe, that’s what big brothers do
I’m still left in shock, this just cant be true
You were desperate for the pain to go this understand
I know that you were not alone, for god had you in his hands
Heaven welcomed you home, that gives my heart such peace
To know you are no longer suffering gives me great relief
My 3 Angel’s in heaven yet your memories still remain
I have to be strong and carry on, so this pain will birth gain
I’ll speak on all of your behalf it’s what I’m called to do
Until heaven calls me home and I return to you