LORD I cry out to you, please heal our land

Humbling myself to pray, knowing you understand

You are not a God who sleeps nor slumbers, nothing catches you off guard

We lean on your grace during this trying season, these circumstances are hard

For surely this is a time of realignment

Balancing out life’s extremes, our assignment

Evaluating what is truly significant, weighing it on the scale

Fears and insecurities are rampid, for inside we are frail

Change brings about uncertainty, the fear of the known

In such a time as this sweet FATHER, let your prescense be known

Invade the homes with your angel armies, may we sense your peace

Knowing you have us in the PALM of your hand, that trust provides great relief

I pray for those who are sick, or those who have lost loved ones to this virus

I pray for other nations, our leadership, please give them guidance

Help us all to surrender and follow the plans set in place

For these restrictions aren’t to control us, but merely to keep us safe

You control the course, the RIDER of the SEAS

Let my heart be compassionate, a pure reflection of you in me

Resistance makes a stronger, the race meant to endure

Strength comes from difficulty of this I am sure

Use will use all things for our good, your word is true

ROMANS 8:28 sums it up, work this for our good as we trust in YOU

Fear strikes violently, panic settles in

Running here to there, patience growing thin

Emotions swell, causing a great reaction

Revealing the very nature of ourselves, delicate human fractions

We all created differently, thankfully together we are whole

One may have a weakness here, while another fills that hole

No doubt we need one another, simply to keep our feet upon the ground

Let us love each other, for in the end that’s what will resound

No matter what race, gender, class we will all be affected

Let’s not bash each other at a time like this causing more rejection

At the heart of humanity, we are delicate through and through

So, let’s speak life to one another, In the end I might need you

For but a moment, our lives are put on pause

Take some to reflect, reset, make yourself your cause

We all have things to work on, for none of us are perfect

Take time for yourself, you are worth

Pick up a hobby, journal, blog, sing

We all have different capabilities that we bring

Share on social media, how you truly cope

It may change the life of someone else, it just may give them hope

Blessings near and far, no matter how many miles apart

I pray for you, you pray for me, keeping purity in our hearts

And when we fall short, because I know we will

Ask for forgiveness, extend mercy, practice being still

God’s word says, “Be still and Know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations” 

At such a time in history, this is a great awakening

For we have nothing without faith, hope and love

We are nothing without him, turns our hearts above

Lord I pray that you comfort those whom have lost to this virus 

God grant us wisdom, help our leaders tread upon these waters that seem lifeless

Protect us from harm dear lord, help us remain within the bounds

To prevent the spread of this illness, sending it back into the ground

Have you ever noticed how our true selves tends to come to the surface when driving? If you ever want to get to know someone and how they respond to life, get behind the wheel and you will see. While some may get distracted at the sight of a beautiful sunset, others have an intensity to get where they are going. We all have our idiosyncrasies on the road, but I’m a laid-back driver. I’m never in a hurry to race to the next traffic lights but want to enjoy the views around me while driving, while listening to my favorite song. I have learned a lot about myself and others going through various seasons in my life, but I have noticed what drives me absolutely crazy! I can’t stand when I’m driving and I’m behind a huge trailer or some obnoxiously sized vehicle in front of me. I call them vision blockers! It’s in my way and I can’t see!!

            My life is parallel. I’m often asked, “I don’t know how you do it?”, “
what keeps you going?” After losing loved ones to suicide, facing surgeries and up into the most recent, getting diagnosed with DCIS, a very treatable cancer. So, as I go about my daily life, trying to process all that has taken place, keep a focused mind and an intentional choice to love and appreciate life, I’m becoming more aware of myself and how I cope.

One of the biggest tools I have in my toolbox is VISION. I’m not referring the type where you might require assistance with the help of lenses, I’m referring to the one that lies between your ears. Your frontal cortex, the mega machine, the control panel that regulates cognition, emotion, so on and so on. I set goals, see them and achieve them. Jesus provides the perfect example for humanity to emulate as he was to face the cross. Hebrews 12:2 “Looking unto Jesus, the author and the finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Soak that thought in for a moment. If you believe it or occurred or not, just settle on that precious thought. Jesus had the joy set before him, which allowed him to endure what no human being should ever have to endure. He had VISION, it was you and me, The final outcome. Now realistically you and me could never measure up to attain such a goal, try as we might but the minute we get behind the wheel of a car, see how quickly you lose your temper! But that’s okay, we are delicate creatures and certainly not even close to match the character of Jesus. But we can look to him to see how he coped and endured. And for myself what I take most from that is he had a goal! He had VISION.

So, what does that look like for you and me. Our mission surely isn’t to sacrifice ourselves to a lost and dying world, for Jesus has already done that. I’m talking about how to you endure pain. What does it look like when you are suffering or facing a situation that seems impossible, that rattles you to your core? I can only share my experiences. I set goals and I keep them before me to endure what it is at any given moment to get through. I set goals that include joy! Even as I sit here recovering from a double mastectomy, monitoring and pain levels, I have VISION.

 Let’s get back to my struggle as a driver. When something is in the way and I can’t see past it to get where I want to go, I get frustrated, I may even say a few choice words, rev the engine, ride their tail or develop a strategy to move past them. It’s very rare that I have the patience to sit and wait for the large, obnoxious vehicle to turn, so I try to manage what is blocking my vision. Basically, bottom line, you are in my way and you gotta go, so move thank you very much! Some see it as intense, others see it as impatient, I simply don’t care what your perception is!

This journey to have surgery has been the same. My vision, remove the cancer, take care of mental health and keep a positive mind while waiting. That was my goal. Anyone or situation that got in the way of my goal was a nuisance and an obstacle, which I lacked very little tolerance for! If you are not assisting in my goal and are hindering, then you are simply in the way and you gotta go! Abd believe when I tell you there is much negativity to contend with, just pick up the phone and call someone. They will find something to complain about or about a virus that may or may not come! I choose life, I choose to meditate on life and things that produce fruit. Worry, complaining and fear don’t check any of those boxes. You know what your mom taught you growing up as a child? “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all!” Well guess what, we live in a world full of stress and try as you might you cannot control the behavior of others, nor can you change them. Think of it this way, you are standing on a chair and trying to pull someone up. You will completely exhaust yourself trying to pull this person up to where you are. They have gravity on their side, you won’t win that battle, I don’t care how strong you are. It simply doesn’t work!

So now you have a choice! You know you can’t change the other individual, so you remove yourself and protect what you’ve got to where you need to go! You get to choose the company you keep, and you can’t change what is written, 1 Corinthians 15:33 “Do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good character!” Remove yourself to protect your VISION.

Remove the vision blockers that you are following when driving! They simply have to go. I know it sounds extremely calloused, but rest assure when I tell you there are very few people in the world that wake up thinking about you! If you are as fortunate as me, you will have a select few that you can count on one hand.

            Ever think about how Jesus kept that goal in front of him? He was constantly sought after, wise, teaching, etc. He would go off alone at times and spend time with his father. He protected his VISION while keeping humanity in his frontal lobe! Simply astounding right! So, when you are faced with people constantly tugging at your legs because they need help. Their needs will never end, but don’t lose sight of your own needs to preserve and maintain what you’ve got. Get alone, spend time with him, find a hobby that brings you joy. Find something you can delight your heart in. It’s not selfish but self-care!

            So, on that note, I’m getting to recovery. My goal is to continue to feed my body, mind and spirit! The goal I have set before me are 14 little faces in my preschool classroom and a newfound practice that I absolutely love. Yoga! Yet while I’m on the way to this journey I will find things that I delight in, a passion for people and a desire to help. So, I pray that during this journey that as I sit and reflect, that I am able to help someone else who is suffering or facing something extremely difficult. Words have power to create or destroy and if no one has told you today, you are important, and you are loved! May God bless you as you continue to set goals and push through the hard stuff!

• 

We all look for a space in which we belong

A community of support that help us stay strong

We all have needs for affirmation and trust

It’s no up for debate it’s a must

People are searching, wandering to and fro

For a place they can connect, thrive and grow

You are the company you keep, be wise

Not to sit amongst fools for knowledge, later to be despised

A longing fulfilled gives life to your being

Think carefully upon to whom you are seeking

Protect your heart, pursue peace, forgive often and love

Then you will see clearly whom will be circled above

Before this can begin, you must heal first

Then and only then, will you satisfy that thirst

Once your vessel is not broken, you wont be looking for others to fix

The holes in your soul, weren’t meant to be mixed

For what is pure will be filtered through a dirty lense

Not seeing the picture clearly, where it begins and ends

We all long to belong, see a need to fit

Be one who creates change, not one to just sit

Be intentional, living every moment on purpose

Love yourself today, accept it, you are worth it

Dont put expectations on yourself or on others that were never for that place

Surrender your heart to god up above who will supply it with grace

You always belong to him, no matter what circumstance always changing

When roles shift, letting loved ones go, spaces rearranging

His love will always remain steadfast and secure

Walk with him each day, you are his and he is yours

We are citizens of heaven, not members here for too long

We tend to get caught up trying to find purpose, trying to belong

Rest in his arms, he is awaiting you

In him you belong, loved through and through

It only takes one bag

You didnt see it coming, when it all began
It was all fun and innocent then, you didn’t understand
Not sure where to fit or belong, no healthy way to cope
Running to different substances, it didn’t begin with dope

Problems arose in identity, longing to fit somewhere
To belong to a group who accepted you, whom you thought truly cared
Alcohol was the door opener to a life that seemed carefree
Leading to other substances, opening doors to be

Curiosity peeks, I’ll just try it one time
That euphoria created, was just a figment in your mind
Nothing would ever compare, the bliss because it’s not real
Once that high fades, feelings arise and then you begin to feel

The pain that lurked beneath the surface, it never went away
Medicate, stuff it down, at least temporarily for a day
But that chase never ends, because it will simply rob your life
Killing one dream at a time, causing more damage and strife

For now the problems that you seemed to have, have now acquired into bigger
More damage has been created, and now you cant identify the trigger
What truly led you there, can longer be managed
Because one decision led to another, causing more devastation and damage

It didnt begin with one choice, but a culmination of many
More legal fees and pending charges, yet inside your still empty
I didn’t have to live the life, to understand the outcome
I didnt have to sink with you, for I surely wasn’t numb

Waiting for the ball to drop because I knew it would come
You weren’t the only one suffering, those choices affected everyone
At times I would get angry, at other times just completely worn
For trying to help you fight that demon, I suffered scorn

Others had their opinions, just leave him and move on
You don’t walk away from blood and family, when you know where they were born
What their eyes percieved in our home, a d how hearts were broken
For not what was stated, but for the words that were not spoken

It’s easy to understand, when you walk beside
The love for a sibling simply never dies
For only we know the fear and pain that we faced every day
For that I was compelled to walk it out with you, not knowing what to say

I’m grateful, so grateful that have eternal peace
For all you ever wanted, was to feel relief
You have it now brother, I love you more than words
You taught me to be kind, not judging others, especially those who are hurt

You fought a courageous battle, for that I am so proud
In my eyes you will always be a hero, that stood out amongst the crowd
And to think it all began with just one bag, it simply blows my mind
Rest in peace Rob, for now I have peace of mind

Psalms 25:16

Amidst a crowd full of people, some random, others known

Keeping to yourself, other time smiling, yet inside you feel alone

Emotions running deep, whirling like the wind

Can’t even process, nor know where to begin

Attempting as best you can, to express what’s behind those walls

Then they close in, darkness surrounds, left timid, frail and small

Longing for someone, just one,who might understand the pain

Expectations leading to disappointments, relationships become estranged

To ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE, hurting and afraid

I was there not so long ago, my emotions simply raged

I’ve come to speak hope, feelings come and then they go

Temporary, they fade, that dim light will begin to grow

For GOD sent his son, in human form, acquainted with sorrow and real

Allow him to walk beside you, tell him how you feel

For in those dark times, hold on for tomorrow

The sun will rise and shine again, joy will replace that sorrow

Isaiah 11: 1-16

As I kneel here at the altar, reflecting back on life

I’m recalling all the tears I cried out from the anguish and the strife

He drew me very close to himself, for he is close to the broken hearted

I’m left here crying out and alone, remembering where it started

In the midst of my brokenness, my heart is filled with sorrow

For I did not know that I was leading, I didn’t think about tomorrow

I kept pressing, kept pushing, kept believing while in pain

No one will ever know the cost of those sacrifices, yet at the altar I’ll remain

While heaven called you home, I know it’s not the end

I can feel your presence next to me at the altar, my brother and my friend

Heaven is a mystery, yes this is all so true

But by the same spirit, I’ll forever be bound with you

I didn’t even know I was leading you, I just kept on being me

And as I pursued the lord, you walked behind, trying to see

We both fought with such courage, trying to carry on

I just still can’t wrap my head around the fact that you are gone

It hurts me so deeply, cuts me right to the core

But I know that we are one in spirit, of this I am very sure

The same God that called you home, resides within me

Welcome home my dear brother, embrace the love, you are free

And on that day when the trumpet sounds, we will reunite

In spirit and in body, it is worth the fight!

For every soul matters, God wants them all

As your sister and your friend, I will continue to stand tall

There are others here to lead yet, I’ve got work to do

The love that I had in my heart for you, is what carried me through

I just wanted you to be okay, I wanted you to understand

The love that God had for you, the blood pouring from his hands

Thank you my eternal father in heaven, my everlasting love

For pouring out your sweet sacrifice, and being gentle as a dove

You paid the price for all eternity, this life is just a blip

I continue to rely on you, I know that I’m equipped

I will continue to put you first in everything I do

Developing my gifts and passions, to my own self be true

My desire is to leave a legacy, to leave a permanent mark

Pointing all to Jesus, bringing light into the dark

Without you I am nothing, with you I can conquer all

For God is within me, for that I can stand tall

I will not fail, for you are with me, you always carry me through

May others see your reflection, character and love, may they always see you

I believe I have found the secret to life on earth, it is deep contentment

Not harboring bitterness, letting go of all resentments

Control? What is that, I can’t even control my hair

You hold it all together, I walk without a care

I turn it all over to you, for you have granted it all to me

I am your princess daughter; you are calling me to just be

I enjoy every gift you have bestowed upon me; I enjoy them all

Help me to build others up, when they feel very small

Your peace you have given me, joy I can’t contain

Help me to be quick to listen, help me to refrain

To hear what others are truly saying

What messages they are relaying

Slow to speak, abounding in love, compassion as my shield

I continue to come to you, in your presence I will kneel

The older I become, the more I realize I don’t know

So, I will continue to humble myself, so that I can continue to grow

What’s to be said about a simple geometric shape

Its has curves, rounded edges, enclosed with no gapes

What fits inside can only be contained

Circles have value, yet they always remain

We all have a circle; of trust if you will

When some are shuffled around it can be a very bitter pill

While others always remain steadfast, secure and strong

Others stay for a season or a reason, not staying for long

It’s hard when these seasons change, you let go and grab a hold

Of new people you value, letting go of the old

You have to protect what’s within for if God gave you a dream

It takes wisdom and sorrow, knowing who is on your team

For not everyone will support the vision, that is being birthed even now

You will look back and see, my god I don’t even know how

How I made it this far, yet I sit and reflect

Of those you have provided, while others disconnect

Not everyone can endure, not everyone will understand

But circles are without a doubt part of the plan

We need one another, yet we need to glean from those who are wise

In doing so, you may find , some are supportive, others despise

What’s important is that you share with someone whom you can trust

It may be 1, or just a few, but sharing is a must

This enclosed shape, maintains what’s inside, yet on the outside protects

Be sure you practice wisdom and patience to live your best life yet

Surround yourself with those whom truly care for your soul

Not for them to compare themselves to you, but believe in your goals

Our dreams may be different, but we all must believe

Don’t share them with everyone, do not be deceived

Similar to Joseph and his coat of many colors

God implanted a vision, yet he was despised by his brothers

It took an incredibly long time for his vision to come to pass

But it was the years in between, where joseph surpassed

When others didn’t believe, he kept it alive in his heart

And in the end he was crowned ruler, it’s where you end, not where you start

Try to slow down along the journey, taking in all you can learn

Your being groomed for future advances, for this your soul yearns

For truly God places those desires deep within

But you must protect your circle and keep your eyes fixed on him

For he remains in the center, the nucleus if you will

Keep your arms locked together, bound with love, remain still

For there are treasures hidden in the dark places, his word doesnt lie

Allow him to show you your circle, under his wing you should abide

Just because others speak the name of Christ just like you

They are still human and flawed, making mistakes too!

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Father to the Fatherless: Psalms 68:5

As the day draws near, April 9^th will be 3 years since losing my brother Rick. I will never forget the day, time or the hour that I received the phone call that would rock my world. To say that his death was tragic would be an understatement, as the hopes and dreams for his future would cease to exist. As I sit and type, it is saddening to think that he only lives in my memory on this temporal earth. The only peace I find is that when this life is over, we will be reunited eternally. Furthermore I am compelled to speak on his behalf, as he struggled with depression and drug addiction. An intentional overdose would determine the final moments of his life, as he so desperately escaped the pain that had him bound. I’ve learned to let go of the unanswered questions, whys, reasoning and logic because no answer would be sufficient! No answer would bring him back.

Since those days, I have come to the conclusion that the most important skill set one can acquire is the ability to cope with life at its own terms. We are all unique in our abilities to express our feelings thoughts and emotions, but it’s the how behind expression that could ultimately determine our fate. Fortunately for myself, I love to write, paint, draw, spend time in God’s presence and share my feelings with those whom I trust. They didn’t just appear; I had to work them out. It’s an intentional choice! And a painful one at that, but pretending that I’m okay will just never work as we all have our breaking point which can be seen in the intentional death of not only my brother, but also my father.

In just 2 ½ months it will be one year since my father took his own life, by means of a gun. I sit in disbelief even as I type, as I never would have imagined such tragedy in all of my life. At the same time I question how I am still sane?? Similar to my brother, my father also struggled with an addiction to alcohol, not a healthy coping tool when you lose a son whom you spent every day with. I would imagine as a man, it would be difficult to seek help or come to terms with the unnatural death of a son. Again, I find myself in a place of simply accepting this reality, as it will not change anything, nor provide relief as no answer would be sufficient. Coping skills again!! If you don’t work them out when life if going well, what will happen when tragedy strikes? Relief found in a bottle is only temporary, as the demons come back reminding one of their reality, simply suppressing the truth.

What is to be said for those left behind? Sister, brother, father, mother? Unanswered questions for sure, wavering faith and doubt, broken promises, empty dreams and hollow hearts. I cannot speak for anyone but myself as a sister and daughter. The broken bond between my brother and I is never broken. He lives through me and I am who I have become because I had the privilege of having him for 33 years! He taught me so many things and I cannot imagine my childhood or life without him. As great as the pain of losing him is, it is superseded by the joys of knowing him. (I love you bro!). As for losing my father, well that’s a whole different ball of wax. A wound so devastating that cuts right to the core!

On the morning of June 16^th, I spoke to my father during the very early hours as he shared his disappointments from the previous days. In a drunken state, he pulled a knife on a bar employee, and was facing charges. I could hear the regret and sorrow in his voice, as he openly shared how bad he had messed up. I reassured him that he had our support and it could be a turning point in his life. A turn in which, he had the support of his family. After hanging up the phone, an inner voice (the Holy Spirit) forewarned me of what was to come. As I sit in silence, my inner dialogue went like this “he is going to take his life. That was him saying goodbye” I questioned myself, wondering if it were just fear or trauma our previous experience with my brother. So I decided to reach out and ask him, hoping that he would just reassure me that I was in a state of panic. I sent a text message expressing my fears that I believed he was going to take his life, similar to my brother. When I didn’t get an immediate response, I didn’t think anything of it as I thought maybe he didn’t read the text yet. So I continued getting ready for work, while silently praying for him. In the meanwhile, my father was executing his well devised plan and making phone calls to his loved ones to say his goodbyes. About an hour or so later, I noticed a missed call on my cell phone and a voice message. Before listening to the voice message, I called my father back. When he answered the phone, I became aware that my inner voice was accurate and it was only a matter of moments before his life would come to an end. He sounded desperate, afraid and panicked when he answered the phone. “Take care of Lizzie (his girlfriend); she is going to need you!” My immediate response was, “No Dad No! We need you. Please don’t do this. We can’t go through this again!”He repeated himself again and said, “I’m sorry. Nothing can change my mind” Then hung up the phone. Shock, numbness and hopelessness filled my body as I knew it was too late. I heard it in his voice, it was final. And if you knew my father at all, once his mind was made up, there was no turning back. It was over and I knew it.

The aftermath of that day left me breathless as I tried to survive wondering how in the world would I make it through losing two loved ones to suicide? Unlike my brother’s death, my father’s death shook me to the core. Why? Well no matter how old you are, you will always long for the love and approval of your father. Always! What does the suicide of a parent imply to surviving children? Well, the messages go sort of like this, “I wasn’t worth living for? You have two other children who are still here.” Needless to say I was broken! Having overcome many wounds from my childhood, of having a father who struggled with an addiction to alcohol, I knew where I had to go. Back to my father in heaven. You see he created us to need the approval and love from our fathers. That was his design, his plan. So how do I overcome the loss of my father who chose to end his life? Exchange the lie for the truth. My father’s death spoke several lies, which I had to exchange for God’s truth about me.

Psalms 139; 13-14 “For you created my innermost being you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that full well”.

Psalms 139: 17-18 “How precious to me are your thoughts O God. How vast is the sum of them. Were I to count them they would outnumber the grains of sand.”  

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope”.

David declares in the Psalms (27: 10)” though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me”.

Psalms 68:5 “A father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families.”   

I decided very early on after losing my father that I would not believe the lies that his death brought to the surface. Instead, I chose to embrace and accept the truth of my father in heaven. This is how I coped! Every day, meditating on his word, confessing it out loud until the truth became my reality and was louder than the lies. And when they crop back up and rear their ugly faces I go back to the truth about myself and who God created me to be. He has completed the work on Calvary, when his son chose to die in our place. Because of a love so great, I receive the approval and applause of heaven and so do you. Each and every one of were created and designed with a purpose, special and unique. I am not sure of your “father” issues; whether deceased, absent or living, but I can tell you that he is a father to the fatherless!!   

John 3; 16 “For God so loved you that he sent his one and only begotten son so that you would not persih but have everlasting life”.

 More than this precious gift, he wants you to have peace and prosper while on Earth 3 john 1; 2 “Dear friend I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well”.

So today I would encourage you to accept the truth about yourself as God sees you! His thoughts toward you are innumerable! He is and will always be your biggest fan!

What has happened to humanity on this desolate earth

The ground is shaking with discontentment, as if its giving birth

Every where you turn, hardships beating down the door

This one talking about that one, who can you trust anymore??

Sure as I’m standing here, if words like that are spoken in front me

I can only imagine what is said when I walk away. Let’s just be

Be simply human, not putting others down to promote ourselves

Lend a hand, kind word, nice gesture, here you’ll find better health

It’s hard when your surrounded by those who are not like minded

Be kind to thine own self of this I am reminded

When other’s can’t help themselves, shield yourself don’t be a fool

Don’t argue with drunkards, Proverbs golden rule

A book full of so much wisdom, treasures hidden deep within

Am outline for humanity, when dark clouds are rolling in

I’m told my expectations are too high, when I expect to be treated as I treat others

Shaking my head is all I can do, turn the cheek, then another

God help me not to change my kind heart, in spite of whom surrounds

Help me to be simply human, when my feet touch the ground

Give me ears to hear you, when there is so much noise

Help me to have vision, standing tall, maintaining my poise

Being a reflection of your image, for I’m yours and your are mine

Living a life that is blameless, grants me comfort and peace of mind

Praying for my enemies, blessing them all my days

Is easy to love those who love me, for these are your ways

Help me not to judge them, for you see their hearts

Your the beginning and the end, where it stops and where it starts

In the end, I want to be simply human, a reflection of your grace

That when others look upon me, that they will see your face

This defines success to me, this is what makes me complete

In this I find destiny, purpose and value, give me the right words to speak