I’ve heard it time and time again, and I’d like to clarify My strength is not my own, please let me verify For I am incapable of holding it together It’s Jesus who comes and enters the stormy weather
Strength for me has been redefined A battle fought tirelessly, all within my mind As a man thinks in his heart, so Is he If I tread upon my own thoughts, I’m not sure where I’d be
Truth is my guiding light His eternal Word restoring my sight His grace is sufficient, he will carry me through I’ve seen it time and time again, my soul knows its true
Though a man’s misery weighs heavily upon his shoulders His grace abounds abundantly, for his wounded soldiers
When you look at the tragedies, sorrow and grief Know that he holds me together, it’s his strength that I seek My life is not a testament of how strong that I am It’s a story of his strength when I don’t understand
While it may seem to you that I’m walking alone There’s one who walks beside me, making his glory shown Until the day he calls me home, he will continue to be My strength, my comforter, the blessed trinity
It makes no difference if others think you are great, You have to believe that for yourself ❤️
Christmas, a time filled with lights laughter, exchanging of gifts, sharing family recipes and so much more. Am I the only one who felt hollow this year during Christmas and a pandemic? The hustle and bustle of the holidays came to a screeching halt, we turned to Amazon and creative websites in attempts to stay safe during the holidays. I’m not sure about you, but it was more than difficult for me. Granted, I had so much to be thankful for, yet so much sorrow. And this dichotomy is the constant state that I live in. It comes with ease at other moments, then at others its it completely breathtaking. When dealing with issues of the heart, it is extremely complex. Scripture tells us in Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things and is beyond cure. Who can understand it?”
Beyond cure? Deceitful? Who can understand it? It seems to me that we can’t even understand ourselves, we can deceive ourselves. Pretty cool huh! This is where wisdom comes into play, if we can’t even understand ourselves, where do we go when we experience these painful moments. We will all have them at some point in our lives. It is not the pain that’s the problem, it’s how to deal with it.
For the last 40 years, I have trained with some serious resistance in the emotional and spiritual sense. Nothing has been easy! Sounds inspiring huh! Wish I Could say better, but I would be deceiving myself. There has always been resistance and like a well-trained athlete, I pick it up and show up to confront. I don’t ask questions, just lift, keep going, keep pushing. Feelings? They don’t matter, because you gotta push. Push those aside and dig deep. I have dug so deep to stand that I have probably created a fort foot hole beneath my feet.
Fast forward to 3 weeks post- Christmas, 7 weeks post breast surgery, a year and half post my oldest brother’s death, 6 years post my father’s death and 8 years post my other brothers’ death. Prior to those experiences was fighting for my own mental health and battles with depression. Trauma, after trauma, after trauma. You know the song time after time, my story is a bit different.
So, you face all of this, you survived breast cancer, no need for radiation, chemotherapy, or hormone therapy. You got new perky boobs and a new lease on life. Circumstances would say, “You should be happy?” Happiness is fleeting, joy is eternal. I didn’t have either one. I struggled. No distractions, faced with social media posts of others completely blissful lives, and their picture-perfect Christmas. It just made it worse. I couldn’t run from the emotional pain, I don’t self-medicate, I couldn’t exercise, couldn’t come out of self- quarantine due to COVID. I caved. Not physically, but emotionally. I tanked. And for the first time in 40 years, I was ready to face the bar and pick it up. But it was empty. Nothing to fight for, all I felt was loss and an empty bar. What does a well-trained athlete do when the competitions are over? Even the knowledge of knowing I get to spend eternity with my loved ones, that Jesus died for me, all of the Christian logo couldn’t touch the pain. I was angry that my life had been so hard, angry that I did not have a better life and settling into my reality. Or at least for the moment.
I began to question every decision I made. Questioned my career choice, our choice to not bear children, our choice in where we live. So many choices. What I Knew deep on the inside, even in the midst of it all, is that feelings change. I was going through a hard season and it would pass. I struggled with thoughts of simply wanting to not be in pain. Not dying, but just wanting the pain to stop. A pain so deep that simply cannot be expressed nor comforted. I began to conjure up ideas like, let’s adopt or foster kids. Let’s open an orphanage. Let me look for a new job. Just trying to find something new and happy to cling to. All to escape the emotional abyss. Trying to find meaning for my life, do I have purpose, does it matter, do I make a difference, would others even notice if I were not here. These thoughts rang through my head. BUT I still had hope. Because deep, deep on the inside I know that God created me with purpose, and on purpose. Nothing in my life is a mistake. God has carried me this far and even when I can’t feel him, I know he is there. There is always hope for a brighter day with the Lord. I have walked down many lonely roads, but when I put my trust in him, he walks me through the pain and is there to comfort me. This is life. This has been my life. Totally dependent on my father. This season brought many emotions, I was angry at him and stood at a distance. I guarded my heart from him. I wanted to wallow. I wanted to self- loathe. I wanted my moment. Like any other good loving father, he allows it and patiently waits for us to return to his heart. He doesn’t force himself but desires for you to seek him.
Now that the darkness has sub-sided, I wonder how many feels like me? Maybe your situation is different, that’s okay. Brokenness and despair do not discriminate. Do you know your value? Do you know that the God of all the universe thinks you are amazing? That every hair on your head is counted! He cares that much. I share his burden as well because I also care and want you to know and experience the joy of knowing him. No matter what you have been through, no matter what you will face, he wants a relationship with you. Scars, flaws and all. Come to him as you are, right where you are. He wants to do life with you! Don’t deceive yourself into thinking you can do it on your own. You may be able too, but what if you didn’t have to?
Magazines, air brushed beauty queens Pictures on social media, living the dream Or so it seems Everything appears to be clean
Same problems exist, only different visual cues Comparing ourselves to one another, who has the freshest shoes Appearing without any wrinkle, blemish nor bruise
If these pictures could talk, imagine what they’d say What goes on behind the smiles, everything ok I’m just a skeptic, forgive me if you may I just speak about what no one wants to say
Behind every picture and face is s story Maybe not perfect, but the smiles shows the glory What lies on the inside, are they hurting or toiling You may be tired of my cynicism, maybe im annoying
Ahh whatever, its not up to me I suppose Its what ever you show others, whatever you chose.
And if you are blessed and what your pictures portray Then thank the lord you have been blessed in miraculous ways
I’m pretty sure, in fact I am certain The raw truth behind the answers I’m searching
Every family presents its own unique flaws For myself I chose not to hide behind walls For if my transparency can help even just one Then I will reveal my scars and become undone
So it’s whats not on social media, or tik tok if you please For we all carry our pain in various ways, not in gifs or in memes
So if you feel as if you don’t measure up to what’s in your feed I am here to tell you, its a false sense of security and need
The need for approval, the need for the likes Get off of your phone and go ride a bike Feel the fresh air that blows upon your face Start a new goal, maybe train for a race
Don’t just sit by and begin to wonder Am I meeting the standard of social media, or am I going under
Thats not your reality, it’s like a magazine Where everything looks perfect, without pages or seams
The rubber hits the road, when you are faced with yourself When no one is around, what is your mental health?
You get to choose, your mind has vast capabilities Accept where you are, there are many possibilities
For within you lies, some value and great potential No matter where you come from, you can be instrumental
Begin to dream, you can be the catalyst for change Don’t long to fit in, you were designed unique not strange
We all have our unique walk, a gait if you will Some walk frantically, while others remain still
Others have a gift of gab, while others simply listen You were created perfectly, nothing is missing
Don’t beat yourself up about where you think you should be Enjoy who God has made you, that is your reality
Every heart has a beat, its on natural rhythm Your life is a gift, clean your lense and see clearly
The real you is the one that sits behind the I Pad or phone The one who posts pictures, when you are alone
Don’t let media influences rob you, that’s what I’m trying to say For no one has it all together, accept yourself today
Waiting for something familiar Nothing looks the same Everything has been flipped upside down And turned around, everything’s been rearranged
Pressure brings out the rawness, true character of a person Some attributes are attractive, while others leave you searching You ask yourself, “Was this there all along? I just never did see? People treating one another in such a manner. Tell me how can this be? “
They say pressure can create diamonds, or purify gold Time to let go of some, while others firmly hold Hold onto the diamonds, while the others leave your grasp Don’t hold onto too long ; for seasons are meant to pass
I’m not sure what has been revealed to you in the year of vision 2020 came in like a party and is going out with intuition And when this is over, for nothing lasts forever You will know for certain who can withstand any weather
1 Corinthians 15:55 “Where O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”
Everyone scatters from here there, as the joy of Christmas and Holidays are everywhere. Such a time of giving and receiving, a season to be shared Tallying up your lists, checking them once or twice All for those you value in this life
While this is a season of great joy for most, Others feel sorrow, grieving the loss of loved ones comes at such a cost They say time heals all wounds, but how can that ever be true? Forgetting someone who was attached to you
Just the other day, an analogy appeared A simple demonstration that made it very clear See there is no timeline established for those who grieve For each life is different and every loss is unique
Imagine you are an amputee and you have lost a limb A member that was attached to you, where would you begin While that limb is no longer there, you mind remembers it so So much, that it sends pain signals to a limb it doesn’t go
In the medical field it’s called phantom limb, in grief I call it aftermath It defined as the sensation that the limb is still attached How can you live a life for so many years with someone you called your own? Then expect there to be no sensation, or feeling when you sit alone
Your heart can’t accept, what has physically been removed Similar to phantom limb and what science concludes. Even for a time after, you believe to sense their very presence The sheer possibility that they linger, the hope that there is life after death in heaven
You imagine what they are doing there, what their facial expressions might be You believe and hold fast to this truth, holding tight to your beliefs Therapy for phantom limb is a process called mirroring One hand performs a task before a mirror, so the mind can begin healing
Is this not the same principal we apply with grief? Imagining and believing that our loved ones are at peace. Yet out bodies and hearts will never stop longing for that missing limb Our ears will long to her their voices, just simply remembering them
Or how about trying to replace an artificial limb in its place? Trying to fit others, to fill an empty space Once occupied by one who vanished, no longer to remain Adapting as best we can to look and feel the same
All of this is healthy, as science simply proves The loss of any loved one is like a phantom limb; they have been removed But for such a time, remember them, the pian will ease and lessen Think of heavenly thoughts and where they rest in heaven
For when the trumpet sounds, or when you pass on All the limbs will be reattached, like they were never gone For my sweet brother Rick in Heaven, Happy Birthday my brother and friend And I know that we are separated for only a moment, until I see you again
Your pain and mental anguish, all that you endured Replaced with peace, love and joy for you have been restored! In this my heart continues to rest, in this I find delight In this is where I find my courage to continue to move forward and fight.
Please remember those who are grieving, during this holiday season Those that walk with a limp, trying to move on and reason For they may look fine on the outside, but surely, they hold on Trying to find joy in the holidays, trying to be strong
For all those who have lost someone, left with a phantom limb I pray for you, how I pray for you that your healing would begin I pray that God would strengthen and comfort you That you find peace and find the truth
In honor of those who have fought or lost the battle to breast cancer. Screw you cancer!
The month of November means so many things to me. For many it marks important dates like election day or Thanksgiving. For myself, I honor and celebrate the life of my brother who passed at the young age of 33 and now I celebrate life! For it was during this time last year, in early November where I went for a mammogram and had to undergo some other uncomfortable procedures that determined I had DCIS; Stage 0 breast cancer in my left breast. Due to dense tissue, etcetera, ectara, you know the medical language, I would need to have a biopsy of some rather suspicious calcifications. Meanwhile I was still in the early stages of grieving the loss of my oldest brother Rob, who had passed in late June.
I felt like Stella who was trying to get her groove back. Every step I took felt unsteady and questionable. I questioned my confidence as an educator, as a wife, a friend, a daughter and so much unnecessary pressure on myself. Which really is who I am. As much I try to control my controlling, the worse it gets! The loss of my brother was the third, most devastating blow of my life. We had now lost three men in immediate family, all succumb and fall prey to addictions, struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. Within 7 years, we lost 3. It so hard for me to wrap my head around this, while I know it true, it’s still difficult to process.
Fast forward to November, I am literally just trying to keep my head above water, tackle the many open tabs at work and now process the fact that I had been diagnosed with Stage 0 breast cancer. If anyone has ever had a right to question God, I surely felt entitled. But what I have learned is really, it’s of no use or value to me to ask the whys. There are never really solid answers that would ease the pain in my heart but time and acceptance. A process that can be slow and grueling.
I received the news in a way that was like, well you have cancer, but you have the best kind. Each doctor I went to was excited that it was caught so early. I heard things like, if you have cancer this is the one you want. Don’t get me wrong, they didn’t lack compassion, but their enthusiasm for my diagnosis was like salt in a wound. Here I am thinking, do you even know what it takes for me to stand right now, even without this news? But okay I have the good cancer and its 100 percent survivable. I should have been relieved, but I really wasn’t. Truthfully, I didn’t want to put on another brave face because I was quite honestly tired of being brave. I have been brave for most of my life and it sucks. You stand tall, protecting the emotions and feelings of others, suppressing your own until you go home to completely fall apart. I’m pretty sure I was angry. But none of that served me because I had a decision to make. Treatment. How and what way was I going to choose. My practical brain kicked into high gear and I basically narrowed down what I would absolutely refuse. Hormonal treatment was nothing something I was willing to consider. I preferred to skip radiation if possible and Hell to the No for Chemotherapy. So, in order to avoid all of those situations, I opted big. Take the boobs and give me new ones.
Another decision I opted for which saved me completely was gratitude. I chose to be thankful that this was caught early. I chose daily to remind myself and began to live like I was dying. Each day was and is a gift. A gift waiting to be unwrapped. When I say Live like your dying, I’m not implying the reckless kind of living that leads to unwanted consequences, but the kind of life where bitterness, anger, jealousy, unforgiveness, etc., have no hold. Not holding onto offenses and letting go of petty things to keep my eyes on the bigger picture. Easier said then done I suppose. What really matters, what truly matters is how you are doing on the inside when no one is truly watching. That’s the important stuff! Live like you are dying.
Because like it or not, death is most certain. We will all die, and all have an appointed time for it. I want nothing more than to stand before my creator, my God, to say: Well done thy good and faithful servant. Let the opinions of others fall to the ground and live like you are dying.
It was really pretty simple. I knew what I didn’t want to doom which led to what I knew I needed to do for my best quality of life. Because sure as I’m sitting here typing and have lost much. I am determined to live my best life, my fullest life, to live like I’m living on borrowed time if you will.
There is no time like the present. In this present moment I am sitting in my cozy bean bag chair, with a side view of a beautifully lit Christmas tree. I am one day out from the final surgery to complete this whole journey. There are many, many thoughts that go on inside. Yet I choose not to linger on any singular one. Thoughts that don’t add value, serve no purpose so I have learned not to tend to them. Instead, I’m reflecting on how far I have come in the last year. Not only with grief and embracing my new body, but personal growth. The older I get the more secure in myself I am becoming and less tolerant of non-sense. I don’t have time to pretend or save face for anyone or anything. If you want the truth, I will serve it to you on a truth platter. We all know there is very little truth these days. We are so unsure of who to trust or who to believe. It has gotten bad. Not being able to trust others motives has been HUGE this year! Yet there is one motive, so pure, so true, so constant. What I didn’t get into detail earlier about was how okay I was with death.
Whether it was due to post traumatic stress, the losses, grief, expecting bad things or whatever, I had prepared myself and my husband as if I was not coming out on the other side of surgery. In the event that God forbid, something went wrong and there were complications, I wanted him to be secure in that I would want him to move on and to live a good life. Sometimes in life we need that green light. I was okay either way. Not saying that I wanted to die but I am comfortable with death because I know the one whom is true. His love is so good! His presence is home to me. None the less, not my will but his. I was surprised when I woke up on the other side of surgery, yet I was still ready to move on, with drainage tubes and all.
10 months later, I prepare to say goodbye to these horrific tissue expanders that have outworn their welcome. They have served a purpose in helping me to maintain my femininity to an extent however I am grateful to see them go and am ready to embrace the final phase of this chapter. I thank God for keeping me safe and healthy with little complications and trust that he will see me through to the other side. We strive our whole lives to find our purpose and I sit here and realize my purpose has found me. Just be! Just be okay with yourself whatever your circumstances are. Freedom is indeed a mindset. God has created you to live an abundant life, full of joy, peace, hope and faith. I am living in that fullness, and he is my strength for sure. I plan on enjoying the rest of my time, until he calls me. I plan to continue on to live like I am dying, full of life, purpose and passion. See you on the other side.
Let’s face it, being present is not something that is even desirable right now. Why? Because being present and current with today’s events, is well…quite scary. So, let’s just make an attempt at it. Just your day to day life, not involving the news or media. Just the simple every day, mundane kind of stuff. You know like doing a load of laundry, taking out the trash, maybe going to your child’s sporting event. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, ask yourself this question. Am I actually ever present? In the physical being or even mental being.
There was a time in my life not so long ago, where I avoided being present. Because actually connecting with myself, meant connecting with my feelings. So, I would occupy my time and fill it with activities. Anything to distract me from what was going on inside. It helped me to cope, detach and really not be present. Then came real life. Having spine surgery was a real doozie for someone like me. I went from 100 to 0 really quick. Sitting up was a challenge. You know what was an even greater challenge? Just being. Recovering like I was supposed to. As I look back, hindsight is truly a wonderful thing, I can see how God had allowed that time for me to really connect. While it was extremely difficult, not only physically but emotionally. It allowed me to heal. A time for reflection, refreshing and reconfiguring. I came out better because with God, we often come out better! (Romans 8:28)
The actual thought of me having to lay still and recover felt like very cruel punishment. While I knew it was what was needed to repair physically, emotionally I was done! To sit still meant to sit with myself. Which at the time was not an easy thing to do? We all have our crosses to bear, our hardships. No matter what it looks likes, we all hurt, but we can also recover! Like a potter who sits by the kiln, watching the temperature, God knew just how much pressure I needed, what needed to be burned off, what needed to remain intact, etc. Thank God he is in control and not me. I will get myself into trouble every time. I have learned, that while I may not always agree with his way of doing things, he ALWAYS has my best interest at heart. I have learned to trust him in a deeper way, which ultimately helps me in my current situation to be Mindful or present! Present in today’s moments and what life has to offer me. At best, I may cry a little, laugh, get frustrated, whatever, but I am no longer detached from myself. I can be present because I have an all present father, who loves me and always has my back.
Even with all the changes in the school year, even with the anticipation of my final leg of the journey to beating breast cancer, I am present. I have honestly never felt better in my entire life. In the midst of all of the chaos around me, the chaos is not within me. So how do you get there? Take time for yourself. Take time to sit in your thoughts, feel your feelings and practice your faith. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7). I don’t know about you, but peace right now sounds pretty good and is quite hard to come by in today’s society.
In a world bombarded with information, we have access to everything and nothing all at the same time. We have become our own doctors, (thanks google), our own child’s psychologists, etc. We google everything, we have access to everything. Is that really a good thing? I’m not so sure it is. It kind of reminds me of Eve when she was tempted to eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. You take a bite and it’s so satisfying but is it worth your peace? The news, watching everyone’s every move. Does it benefit you? Is it adding real value to your mental health? There are so many distractions and we can be led in so many different ways, depending on what we set our attention to. But just for today, for a moment, quiet yourself down, get real with yourself and be present. Whatever rises to the surface, let it be. If it’s joy, great! If its sadness, then cry damn it. Whatever it is just be! Be mindful of yourself. If we all took the time to tend to our own thoughts and behaviors, we just might find a better way of life.
Ever been stuck in traffic at the end of your workday, completely famished, and there is no sign of returning home? Or quickly at least. Just imagine, you start tapping your left leg as it rests heavily on the space provided, your hands develop a mind of their own, as they begin to grip the steering wheel, almost choking it to death. You can almost see your destination, but you just can’t get there. At least but for a moment. What sets in? Frustration, aggravation, maybe a few choice words, dot…dot….dot.. You get the picture. For many of us that’s what COVID is like. Being able to tangibly grasp back to our normal, we can see it, yet it’s so far away! At least for a moment.
Now I’m not here to compare lives or draw parallels between who has it worse or who has the most kids and is struggling the most, because that would minimize your personal discomfort. What we can all relate to, is that certainly at some point, our lives were interrupted, inconvenienced and certainly did not ask us our plans. Now Lord knows, I’m no saint when it comes things spiraling out of control, my hair has taught me that lesson my whole life. The more I try to manage it, the more unruly it gets and the more frustrated I become. While I’m no expert, I can attest to accepting hard circumstances. The fact of the matter is, we will all come to a crossroad in our lives, where things did not go according to plan. I’d like to shed some light on how to cope with these situations and finding rest in uncomfortable situations. It is possible and it will offer you a world greater in opportunity, than wrestling over things you can’t control, like when will the kids return to school or when will I resume a steady routine?
I have a great, big word….ACCEPTANCE. Furthermore, defined as; a willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation. I’m sure like many of you, the walls in our homes got just a little closer, we are struggling to find room to be comfortable to tolerate being uncomfortable. my home may not look like yours. Maybe I have more breathing room. Discomfort is always a relative term, completely subjective to an individual. WE have adjusted, readjusted, strategized ways to make things more tolerable. The more we focus on the arrival point, the more frustrated you will become of this I am sure. If you just shift your focus on something other than the destination, you may find a little more peace, a little more contentment, and a whole more of flexibility. Without the pressure of circumstances, our character is undoubted stunted. But what happens when a little pressure is added, and you begin to develop muscles like gratitude and acceptance. Things have a natural rhythm, and flow. Just let it go and lean into it a bit. It will make the journey much more enjoyable I promise.
Being said, I am not dismissing your goals but merely trying to assist you while you’re on your way. Remember that drive in the car? It’s a patience tester for sure. However, rest assure that you are developing a knack for suffering under uncomfortable situations. An attitude like this will help you come on stronger on the other side, developing a greater tolerance for uncomfortable situations. That way when something stronger than COViD interrupts your life, you will tackle the task with ease and say, “If I was able to handle that, than surely I can handle this”. You will develop a sense of confidence under stressful times, which will allow you to develop a new frame of reference. Remember you can only grow when you are willing to accept the things you can not change. It’s okay to acknowledge it, express it and move on. Please don’t pitch a tent there, you will get no where fast. Instead keep your eyes fixed on whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy, mediate on these things (Philippians 4:8) Just a heads up, the writer of this verse, none other than Paul himself, who found contentment while sitting inside of a jail cell! We are certainly not imprisoned. Freedom is on your mind! The keys are in your hand. I accept that apart from Christ, I am nothing, but through him, I can do anything. In him I find my identity, apart from him I am a survivor of losing loved ones to suicide, breast cancer and a host of other things. In him, I am fully complete, not lacking anything. Apart from him, I am a barren woman without a child. See it all depends on whose standard of measurement your looking towards for approval. If I look outside of Christ, I see nothing but dry bones and waste. When I Look through his lens, my life is clearer, my purpose defined. I am a child of God. I am loved, I am strong, I am courageous, and I am ACCEPTED! Hope this lifts your spirits today. Find something you can meditate on that is pure and lovely.
IN DEEP WATERS 