Why don’t we compliment each other more often that not So trained to see the negative, I think we seriously forgot You attract more bees with honey, this is certainly the truth For adults struggle with this even more than the youth
Maybe that is the secret? The key to staying young Acknowledging what is good, and just how far we’ve come Just look back, you will see progression marked on every side Just look back, you will see new a new pep in your stride
Will you make a commitment, think positively with me? It will breath air into your life, perhaps a brand new tree Your roots can grow down deep into a nutrient rich soil For idle criticisms we spew, would cause any fruit to spoil
It starts within you first before you can ever lend it out Learn to love and accept yourself, that’s what brings change about It is not selfish, not haughty; nor is it proud Simply provides a better environment for you to live out loud
Be bold, stand tall, give yourself permission to accept The flaws and the strengths you have, it is your best bet While I am not a gambling woman, on this I’d put my money You will go further in life than expected, when you attract more bees with honey
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Reasoning with myself, others, reading books, having open conversations with God. The kind where you bear your soul and openly share about how disappointed you are with circumstances and situations. We know from the Psalms, David, who was called a man after God’s own heart, uncovered the basics of what faith truly is. It is a deep personal connection, a relationship. Not just praying for our families and loved ones, which is all wonderful, but getting behind the scenes with him, wrestling with him. He is a great God with Great Big Shoulders who can certainly handle and wants to deal with these very delicate emotions on this side of heaven.
One the main themes that keeps coming up is disappointment. What is it, what does it look like, how does it affect our lives? And if left untended, how will it impact our daily lives. We all have disappointments. Things didn’t go as we expected, nor how we prayed. One of those things are in your control, you are powerless to change them. You do however can choose how to respond. That’s our main concern. Because like it or not, these things will fester and rob us of the life we should have if not dealt with. I really despise the saying, “Time heals all wounds.” Maybe what you do with your time and resources can lead to time making wounds easier to bear. Imagine you are a weightlifter. One of your workouts requires you to wear a 20-pound vest to complete other athletic obstacles like run with the vest, do pull ups, etc. When we increase the weight, it requires us to work heavier. What happens when life adds weight?
A different kind of weight but its weight that you carry in a backpack. Inside of the bag is different for each one of us. Some of us carry around the trauma of an accident, or the worry of sick children or family members, disappointments with where we are in life. I don’t know what’s in your backpack because I have one of my own. And when we keep packing it full like we are going to the airport to see just how much we can stuff in so we don’t have the pay extra.
I would like to encourage you today to unpack your backpack! Carrying around all this extra weight if you will, has the potential to dull life’s experiences. So busy trying to carry this weight, much of your energy is spent holding the bag rather than enjoying what is in front of you. Like a pot of homemade soup, these things take time. You are tender and precious to God. He would want you to have the best life on earth possible, but it is up to you on how much you are willing to let go of. I’d be preaching to the choir if I wasn’t living this same scenario. What I am disclosing to you is the very essence of the choices placed before me at this present moment. I am trying to let go of the disappointments I have experienced through a series of losses. I must decide one emotion at a time, to let go. Back in May of last year, the spikes of the pandemic were whirling. Through its topsy turby unpredictability, both of grandparents and aunt were hospitalized. At the very same time, my friend and other aunt was battling for her life receiving treatment for AML- Acute myeloid leukemia. She was undergoing a very tough regimen of chemo that completely wiped her immune system out. All of which was necessary to rebuild to it with healthy cells. There we were both of my grandparents, and my aunt is hospital beds, trying to recover, my other aunt in another hospital trying to rebuild her immune system. I sit in New Jersey waiting anxiously for good news. I am a faith filled believer and I say Lord surely you got this. Healing is on its way. Afterall, we did lose both of my brothers and my father to suicide in the last seven years, I underwent spine surgery, then found out I had early stage breast cancer and would need to undergo surgery. I came out on the other side 3 surgeries later. Here I am rambling off the course of events to God as if he doesn’t know them. I am thinking God we have been through enough surely you will spare our family just one time, right?
Then it came. I got the call that my grandfather didn’t make it. Heavy hearted I decided to book a flight to be with my family and help support in any way I could. I get there in the knick of time to spend my very last moment with my Nan. I quietly held her hand, stroked her hair and sang to her. For I knew these were her last moments on earth. It took everything I had not to break down, but there I stood comforting her as she would be embraced by her savior. Little did I know I would need the comforting. Within a week, both the matriarch and patriarch of our family, had left to their eternal rest. My aunt had been released and was recovering at home from COVID. The storm wasn’t over yet as we waited for good news about my other aunt. I returned home, remaining faith filled that God would surely restore my aunt back to health. Until she took a turn for the worst. I kept believing, kept hanging on. Until I received the phone call early Monday morning. She didn’t make it. Here we are, within a week and a half 3 family members gone. Just like that. I remember callously saying to God, “What are you going to do, wipe out our whole family”, not even realizing that this would be a reality.
Where does one begin to even start unpacking? I am here 6 months later, the shock has worn off and I miss my family! So, I have a choice just like you. I can choose to sit here with this heavy bag or unpack it, one item at a time. Letting go of what I thought should be and accept what is. It is incredibly difficult to let go a healthy and vibrant, 50-year-old beautiful soul, who has just left this earth too soon! I find it completely unacceptable. There but by the grace of God go I. Regardless of how I feel, like it or not, it is our reality. I can’t stay here. I am learning just like you to acknowledge the feelings, let them go and try to replace it with the eternal thoughts that she is walking in streets of Gold. What I have come to realize over this last 10 years, is not to place my value on things of this world. Not to become to attached and comfortable. This is all passing like shifting sand. Americans work so hard at being comfortable right? Having a home with a white picket fence, nice cars, clothing, accessories, pushing our kids to get into the best schools, etc. Let’s not even delve into achievements, I could write a book on what I pride myself in all my earthly accomplishments. They are valuable don’t get me wrong, but when we get to heaven, none of it will matter!! It will all be gone and dull in comparison to the love of our heavenly father. A perfect world, where there is no pain of loss, disappointment, or even success. So, what will matter? How you treat one another, the words that you spoke. For when you too leave this earth, others will remember your Prescence. They will remember how you made them feel. They will remember what you said. Ask yourself this valuable question, did I remind them of Jesus? Because like it or not, we are dead much longer than we are alive. Did you lead others to Christ with your actions? This is what is left behind. This is your legacy. This is the only eternal thing you could hope for. That none would perish but all would have eternal life. For that is the will of God. And when you have done all that you can do, sometimes you just stand. Stand without words, stand with your disappoints but stand for Christ. No matter what. Others will then begin to see and maybe even question why would someone who has lost so much, be so convicted to stand for faith? Eternity is what matters most. It is not for the faint of heart. I would love to throw in the towel. But where would I go? God is the only one who can satisfy our mortal beings for that is how he created us. His word tells us, he has placed eternity in the hearts of all men.
Ever wonder why you get so caught up looking at the stars in the sky? Or the beauty of the vast ocean. Just sitting in wonder, awestruck wonder. His beautiful flawless design. How can you not worship the one who has created it and all its beauty? Even during the pandemic, loss, grief, heated political races, gender identity conflicts and so on and so on. All the conflict and chaos were never intended. He planned a perfect garden a place for you and I to walk with him. Guess what? It’s still there. He still wants to walk with you. He still wants you to enjoy his beauty. All those things are still there. You just must climb out of the filth of your disappointments. Follow me as I follow Christ.
Unpack you heavy book bag and live in the present moment. Today is a gift, tomorrow is not promised. Yet finding the balance to live in the present, while being eternally MINDED. The struggle is real. Store up your treasures in heaven, for that is where they cannot be destroyed! You can be hard pressed on every side, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not DESTROYED. The joy of the Lord is our strength! This is how I ward off and shed my disappointments, holding onto the very promise that a beautiful party awaits in heaven. I will again be reunited with my family and live in the way that God truly intended. We will be redeemed!.
Have you ever been struck in a way that brings you to your knees? Like being frozen in time, can’t see the Forrest through the trees? Broken pieces, shattered and unsure The ground beneath shaking, doesn’t feel so secure
Not sure how you are going to survive, yet alone survive in tact Trauma so heavy and hard, you can only react Trauma, so heavy and hard, fragmented pieces remain Shuffling around everything you found significant, different world, different brain
Re evaluating, re assessing on what your life was built A foundation struck so hard, making the house look tilt Every day a battle to just show up and face life They say lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice
While it’s merely a saying, I’ve been struck more than a time or two I’m compelled to share because maybe you have too It rains on the just and the unjust, just a fact of life Doesn’t make it fair, I know, still cuts like a knife
While lightning strikes and tragedy hits, you don’t have to be destroyed For some things can remain in tact, despite all of the voids For when you place your value in what is eternal Your perspective shifts into another dimension, overcoming these hurdles
Store your treasures in heaven, there your heart will be Not attached to this world but for all eternity These are promises that no man or hardship can take Even when lightning strikes and the ground beneath you quakes
You can be struck down but not destroyed, of this I am certain Being struck repeatedly, yet I’m still a person A person with a heart still beating, A person who’s lungs are still breathing
It seems insane to endure to so much Yet I won’t quit believing, I refuse to give up My strategy is quite simple, a hypothesis that’s been tested Like a science experiment, through the fire, so much time invested
The secret lies in where you place your value Not relying on temporary means that are shallow Moments, relationships , experiences and sharing These are things that are priceless, and worth caring
Letting go of trivial things, that are like pebbles in your shoes Life is fleeting, life is swift, life is temporary too
Our days are measured like the sand within the hourglass What will remain when your time has passed Faith hope and love are a legacy you leave behind Not fixed on this world but keeping eternity in mind
We will all live and we will all die at one point or another But what matters, what truly matters, did you love and honor your mother Did you let go of what gets you easily entangled, how was your time spent? Those little foxes are snares, a trap to rob you of the gift of being present
Yes I’ve been struck a time or two, this is my conclusion Place your value on things eternal, letting go of confusion I’ve been struck down, not destroyed, my remains in tact It’s much different than a hypothesis but a proven fact
I’m not a poet but allow me to try To use my pen and explain why See I set out in a journey to instill truth Sharing my struggles, and or pain of my youth
AXIETY, stress and worry do not discriminate you see It knows no race, gender and or ethnicity To what extent you struggle is unknown It may be colored differently , a lighter shade or tone
What I do know is we have mechanisms to combat this invisible disease Some find comfort in food, sex or alcohol to run or simply flee Even if for a moment, the stress melts away By the tool that you medicate with to make it okay
I do not need a psychological degree, it simple mechanics When a brain goes into overdrive, it begins to panic
Where do you go to find your release Is it a place or something that will cause more grief What if I told you of a place you could stay A place to cone undone when you are not okay
What if I told you it’s a place free from analytics Would you show your face disregarding politics? Where is this place she is describing you ask yourself? A place not of this earth, but eternal wealth
This place is my home, it’s the prescense of my lord That place where I run when feeling insecure The same place where I can stand and completely be myself A place to come unglued, a shield for my mental health
When anxiety kicks in, I flee and go Into the arms of where I begin, precious overflow
Crying out God where are you? I cant see or hear I trust in your word that says you are near Near to those crushed in spirit and the broken hearted This is where I go, for this is where I started
We all have our fight and flight mechanisms in that we are unique Anxiety and stress don’t discriminate, have you developed your technique Of how you will respond when it begins to well up Giving you resiliency and grace, and for today it is enough
It’s what we are called to do, live in our today! For grace is not there for the future, anxiety is cast away Live in the now, the present is a gift As you begin to do this anxiety will lift
If we dwell in the future of which we have no control It creates stress, worry and confusion robbing our soul
I encourage you today to look deep within Developing a strategy where wholeness can begin
If you had the pleasure of knowing Rob, you knew you get 2 things: a serious dose of sarcasm and the worst possible scenario for any and every situation. He loved to gossip and get the juice on others. One thing I admired about him was his raw and sometimes cutting honesty.
We battled so much throughout our lives. I viewed his as my protector. Number one he was big and number two he was intimidating. We learned a lot about each other in the days following our brother and father’s tragic death by suicide. Tried to make sense of it all, put the pieces of the puzzle together, reminisce, etc. I was well versed in creative expression, which greatly assisted in my road to cope.
What is to be said about coping skills? Well, if you have them in any sense, including spiritual beliefs, outlets, hobbies, expressing yourself, it develops resiliency. But what happens when you already are fighting the demons of addiction and a storm hits? Chances are you will run to what you are used to when faced with pain. Sometimes its food, shopping, exercise, but what happens when it’s drugs or alcohol. I can tell you sure as I’m sitting here, I have never seen anything good come from either drugs or alcohol. Truly these habits catch up with you. I am by no means perfect. I run to retail therapy and a host of other things. I just never crossed that line of dabbing into serious drugs. I ran to medical professionals to help with a chemical imbalance in my brain. The invisible disease that says to others, “Well she looks fine. So, everything is okay”.
Truth is it takes work. Accepting the fact that you need help is most important! When it all seems to be moving so fast and you are losing a grip, it’s time to step outside of yourself. This post is not about me or my skills rather my oldest brother Rob, who poignantly said, “If I ever lose this battle, don’t lie. I want people to know the truth”. I admired that tremendously. I sit here and type, I won’t lie. He picked up a deadly drug, which in the end robbed him of a future. Heroin. He fought tirelessly for 20 years. Falling, getting back up. Repeatedly. In the end, he did take his own life intentionally, I sincerely believe if he didn’t pick up that drug in the first place, we wouldn’t be here anticipating his birthday tomorrow as he is now in heaven.
Loss is hard. It’s devastating. We lost Rick in 2012 to an intentional overdose. To some extent Rob bore a lot of that guilt being his older brother, wishing he had made different choices. Regret…. A dream killer. Fast forward to 2 years later, we face another tragedy. My father ended his life. We had a tough road ahead. What I had were great coping skills. Rob developed some but, ultimately his addiction won out in the end. During the last years of his life, he overdosed at least 6 times. Twice behind the wheel of a car. It would be easy for any passerby to cast judgement. But if you spoke to him and got behind the events, you may understand what would thrust someone into destructive behavior. Numb it. Numb the pain. Kill it. You don’t want to face it. It’s a lot to bear. Your father, the one who gave your life decided to leave.
You can try to bury the pain, but it will bury you if you don’t express it. This is difficult, especially for men who are expected to be strong, provide, protect, etc. My heart goes out to the men. Women share. We share everything from bathroom experiences to new bras. It’s how we were built. So, on behalf of my brother Rob and countless other men who have lost the battle to mental illness, addiction, tragedy or loss, I’m here to tell you it’s okay to not be okay. We were designed to need another. In honor of Rob’s 45th birthday tomorrow I want to share his story. Not to make your heart heavy but to tell you always have choice. No one can take that from you. I encourage you to talk about your pain. Find a support group, anonymous if you must but please for the love of God don’t bear it on your own. We are in this together. With each other we can do great things, like heal.
Happy birthday in Heaven brother. Thank you for fighting as long and as hard as you did. You helped so many people in your path. Your light shone brightly, touched so many people’s lives. Like the lyrics in the song, “leave out all the rest”, we remember your battles, but we remember your perseverance. Until we meet again. Love you.
Dreams, we all have them right. Or at least at one time in our life we did. Some dreams come to pass while others slowly die. When we are young our innocent minds and hearts are full of the possibilities that may lie ahead. Some dreams are our own while others were instilled by parents or loved ones.
When I was younger, I thrived in school. I would often come home pretending to be a teacher with my mini-type writer and all my accessories. It was innate. I was always surrounded by children, called upon to babysit other kids in the neighborhood. It was just a natural fit, like your favorite shoes or worn pair of jeans. It was my love for school that provided a buffer for a more unstable home life. We weren’t the Walton’s, not even close. I was raised with two older brothers who were quite rough around the edges. They toughened me up and taught me to be strong. My parents married young. And by young, I mean 16 and 17 years of age. By the time my mom gave birth to me at age 20, they had 3 children. I can’t even imagine what that must have been like to be their age and to be responsible for a family of 5. It wasn’t easy. My dad was a skilled carpenter, while mom worked odd jobs. I usually was called upon to help her at work, which I loved. Whether it was putting away VHS tapes or delivering prescriptions to a local pharmacy, I was her sidekick. I always relied on her and well we basically grew up together.
I’m not going to paint you a pretty picture because it truly wasn’t. My dad resorted to heavy drinking after work. We usually got the brunt end of his anger. Anger doesn’t even surmise his outburst. They were more like fits of rage that would pop up out of nowhere. He could literally go from laughing to flying off the handle in a matter of seconds. Have you ever tip-toed? Walk ever so gently, to not make a sound or cause any disturbances? That was me. I was like a ninja. I figured if I behave good and don’t him any reason to be angry with me, then I won’t be on the receiving end of his harsh punishments. Bob and weave. I remember sitting on the couch as his truck would pull up in the driveway and rather than get excited to see him, my stomach would go into knots. Would it be a good day or a bad one? We never knew as it was unpredictable, and his moods ruled our home. Entirely.
I can still remember the day that my Dad told us that he had something to share with us. I was in Middle School at the time, battling hormones and my new body. He quietly said, “Your mom and I are getting a divorce. I will be moving out.” While I know that this should have been a sad time, I was relieved. It felt like a 100-pound weight was removed from my shoulders and I now had space to breath. But I was still a teen-ager, who was now being raised by a single mom of 3. We didn’t see much of my father after he moved. We would visit his new home, with his new wife and children. We were basically left to my mom’s care who now had to provide for a family of 4. God bless her strong little heart. She rose to the challenge, overcoming anxiety like no other. She worked full time at the casino and provided a substantial income for us to keep our home. The downside was, well she worked nights. So, what do teenagers do when left unattended? Get into trouble. All kinds. It was at this point where my brother Rick was introduced to alcohol. He began drinking. He would drink before school, after school and on the weekends. My oldest brother set the tone for that as he was a Senior in high school and frequently hosted Senior Class parties at the expense of my mother’s hard work. Where was I? Smack dab in the middle. I didn’t care for the loud, obnoxious parties, but I got into trouble of my own. Boys, boys, boys. I turned to them for attention, security validation, etc. Even though I was relieved that my Dad left, I was broken. We all have a story right. Thank God it’s not where we start in life but it’s where we end. Thankfully I still excelled in school, and I had a hunger to learn. Sports allowed me to exert pent up anger and creativity allowed me to express my feelings. I had a lot going on inside.
Fast forward to after my Senior Year of High School. I didn’t have a plan for education. It was something I thought was a good idea but just wasn’t sure about which direction I wanted to go in. I enjoyed having cash. I worked. Waitressed for many years and brought in a decent income for someone my age. Enough to help my mom with bills and ease the burden of having to provide for all of us. We were a unit. Meanwhile, my brothers got into a whole different lifestyle. They both followed my father’s footsteps and pursued carpentry, as well as addictive personalities. They struggled. It got to the point where it wasn’t fun anymore but a necessity. The nature of addiction, which completely spiraled out of control. We were now faced with the same unpredictable behaviors that we experienced with my dad. You never knew what condition they might come home in, or if they would come home at all.
Meanwhile we had to make a move, a move that would forever alter my path. It was at this time where I endured my first major bout of depression. I was not self-medicating, and I went into a deep hole. I could count on one hand how many words I spoke on one hand. My mom would leave for work, and I would be in the same spot when she returned. Completely catatonic. It was at this point where she offered me the last half of her counseling appointment. I solemnly agreed. My healing began. Session after session, layer after layer, we addressed the many wounds that I had from childhood. What I heard over and over was “Nichole you are so fortunate to do this now while you are young. You have your whole life ahead of you”. Remember when I said I enjoyed school? I am a sponge, and I will pick up whatever you give me. I bought into the idea and made this my mission to find a way out of the darkness. I was going to pursue healing and show my brothers a different path. One step at a time, one session at a time, I did it. I was overcoming it. I began to dream again! My relationship with God was also restored and he became a huge part of my growth.
What I also learned during this time was my brain chemistry was off. During depression I lost function of my body, began losing weight, couldn’t sleep. I once went 3 days without sleep. I surely thought I was going to lose my mind. I pursued medical help and treatment and continued my journey. At the time I didn’t know that the medication would be part of my everyday life, but it helped and treated an underlying issue. Clinical depression. We are not talking about feeling sad and blue. It’s the kind that is completely out of your control. The invisible disease that so many are ashamed of or embarrassed because they can’t handle their own mind. What is the alternative you ask? Self- medication and a way of escaping the mental pain that hides so well behind a smile, jokes and comedic personalities.
As I continued my journey with God, counsel, and medical treatment, I began to feel less content with serving people food. My desire to work with children came to life again. I decided to apply at a preschool to test the waters. I fell in love. During my time there I grew and matured as a young woman but also as an educator. I became hungry once more and went back to college. Still unsure of what field I wanted to pursue I went with liberal studies, to social work, then back to education. I didn’t stop! Call me a late bloomer but around the age of 26 I realized I can truly be whatever I want to be. Preschool pulled on my heart strings, but I also had other passions. I loved the idea of becoming an Art Therapist to incorporate my healing process into the arts to help other children. I got completely discouraged because there were not any local colleges that had the program. So, I continued on into Early Childhood Education and earned a Masters Degree.
While I was thriving, married and now a homeowner, my two brothers were not coping so well. Rob was introduced to heroin at the tender age of 20 which laid out a painful path of relapse, recovery, repeating the harsh cycle repeatedly. Rick was also still struggling with an array of drugs and alcohol. Everything from Percocet to weed, escalating to oxycodone to heroin. What I can tell you is that watching loved one’s struggle with addiction, is literally the worst pain you can imagine. It is absolutely hell on earth. You want nothing more for your siblings than to have a successful life, free from pain and fueling with purpose. Addiction robs them from every dream. It was hard! None the less I continued hoping they would eventually follow my footsteps. I yearned for it. It gave me purpose to fight for them and the war on drugs and mental health. It is incredibly difficult to celebrate your victories when you have 2 of the most precious people struggling to maintain work, living on their own etc. I lived in fear of a dreaded phone call that something bad would happen. It usually did Rob had overdosed in his early 20’s, Rick legit ran into a gas pump, found himself in his car in the middle of a field. They would share these stories with us. It would scare the living daylights out of me. While living with them, we would sit with Rob for days while he would detox. Take his keys and wallet. Rick had to be picked up once because he took too many mushrooms and had a bad trip on acid. I can’t make this stuff up even I wanted too. They were my young adult years. While others were out at social gatherings, I was fighting for my faith on their behalf.
Rick struggled with depression as well. He was offered the same choices I had. He would dismiss his depressive episodes and chalk it up to a bad day. He tried with self-help tapes, tried a round of medication, tried some therapy. Then surrendered and succumb to. Alife of self-medication. It worked for him until it couldn’t anymore. He lost his license for 2 years and couldn’t drive. Then had an accident at work, which led to him needing seizure medication. He was in a bind. He couldn’t get his license back until he got clearance from the doctor. None of which he sought after. He spiraled down a dark hole. On April 12, 2012, I got the phone call that forever rocked my world. My brother, my childhood best friend was believed to be dead at his apartment. My mom called me frantically as she was driving over to the house to confirm. She offered to pick me up, I declined because I was afraid that if he was not alive that image would be forever etched in my mind. It was confirmed. What came next was also something I asked my mom. Was it intentional? It absolutely was. He hand wrote a note to the family. My world collapsed. My heart was completely broken. Everything I was trying to do to help reach him, all failed. I felt like a failure. I can write a novel about the pain that suicide leaves behind, but I will save that for another time. During this time, I was completing a master’s degree and was into my second year of teaching. I had to keep moving. What is true about grief is the world does not stop even when a loved one dies. You want it too, but it just doesn’t. Broken, I continued. Old desires began to rise to the surface, and I began to dig deeper into art. I began taking classes in ceramics, painting, etc. It helped me to cope. It gave me an outlet of expression and more importantly it gave me joy. The year following Rick’s death, I decided to host an art camp for kids at my house. I transformed the garage into an art studio, and it came to pass. It was a huge success. My Dad helped me come up with a name, helped me set up the space. Our time together was blessed. Even though we were both grieving, we set aside our indifferences and restored our relationship. Prior to this I had to distance myself from my dad to heal. His behavior didn’t change, and I wasn’t willing to be on the receiving end of being hurt. After losing Rick, I realized my own immortality and the fragility of life. I was willing to let it all go for the sake of loving my Dad not as a father but as a child of God who lost a son. He was beyond broken. It was surely a special time in my life where it seemed God had wiped out every negative moment, I ever had with him, and he restored it to perfection.
Old habits die hard right. My dad still had a problem with alcohol. Long story short, he was out drinking. Consumed way too many drinks and ended up having an altercation at a bar. This was a defining moment for him as he spent the night in jail. He was now facing some serious consequences. I’m sure he wasn’t thinking clearly. The grief from losing a child was still raw. Self-medication at its finest. If you don’t know how to cope when life is good, chances are you will resort to the same methods when life throws you lemons. He couldn’t face his consequences and ultimately ended his life on June 16, 2014. This was beyond difficult. Second suicide in the family only this time it’s a parent. A parent who abandoned you once as a child and now has decided to do it again. The pain from this? Unremarkable. You can’t even imagine. I turned to God to restore me back to health. I trusted what his word said about me and not the actions of my father leaving a penetrating wound. My identify was found in Christ. It never changes. I am who he says I am. A princess warrior of the highest God. I kept my faith in him, drew so close to him. I also continued with art. I did a few local murals during that time and God kept opening doors for me to continue pursuing my passion. Again, it brought me joy.
Where was Rob in the midst of all this you ask? Struggling. Only thing is he had an addiction suffocating him. He now had to deal with the hurt of losing his Dad, his hero and his brother too. He fought a good fight. He would fall and get back up. Just like Rocky. I would call him the comeback kid. His road was difficult because he couldn’t handle life at its own terms, not to mention 2 tragic deaths that would rock anyone’s world. I kept him under close eye, and we became extremely close. When he fell, I fell with him. When he rose, I rose with him. I believed in his God given talent and potential. He was smart, funny charming and a leader. Here we are just the 2 of us left trying to understand what the hell happened and how do we get through this? How do we comprehend it? We supported each other as best we could. Spent holidays together, fishing trips, etc. It was tough. Life would never be the same. During this time, I picked up Olympic weightlifting aka CrossFit. I loved it and again It helped ease the anger and frustration. It was a healthy coping skill and natural mood booster.
Rob bobbed and weaved. The months following our Dad’s death were hard. He got himself into a pickle and got a DUI for drinking and driving. This was the first to come. It was kind of all downhill from here. His moments of sobriety came few and far between. He resorted to alcohol to medicate, and it wasn’t nearly as deadly as heroin. Until the moments would come, and he would pick it up again. Ultimately leading into more trouble. He overdosed behind the wheel of his truck and faced ever more severe consequences. 2 years loss of license, feeling like a failure. It got messy. No one really knows the terror of having a sibling on drugs. They don’t wake up wanting to be an addict either. He wanted to overcome it so bad and literally gave it everything he had. After fighting this battle for almost 20 years, you get tired. He got tired.
I was also growing weary. I was now dealing with chronic pain due to a pinched nerve in my neck. If I learned anything at all during that time, it was that you will do anything to escape the pain. I began to understand or at least catch a glimpse of suicide and what it might be like for someone to end their life. You don’t want to die; you want the pain to stop. And me? I wanted the chronic pain to stop. I tried everything from chiropractic care, injections, physical therapy, traction devices, massages, anything to ease the pain. My life became managing pain until I just couldn’t do it anymore. I took a temporary leave from work until I could seriously address where the root of pain was coming from. I refused pain meds because I saw what they did. I ran out of options for injections because they were maxed out. I kept searching until I found. A doctor who would help me to substantiate the pain and not look at me like I was crazy. Finally, I had a test that positively found nerve damage and was considered eligible for surgery. I was on a path to recover. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Like I said previously life doesn’t stop when you grieve. I took advantage of the time off and completed the credits I would need to obtain an Art Teaching certificate. While anticipating my surgery date, I worked tediously to complete online classes. I did it!!!!
Coming round the mountain, spine surgery was set, and I would receive an artificial disc replacement. This was my first major surgery ever! Everything went great. Recovery was slow but I progressed. Healing was on the way. While I was recovering, going to physical therapy, Rob was moving into his own place, and was so proud of his accomplishments. It seemed like we were good. He would have his moments where he would slip up, only now they were getting closer and closer together. He overdosed 6 or 7 times in one year. He kept waking up in ambulances and hospital beds, asking God why he is still here. So here we are I’m finishing up physical therapy, Rob is not doing well. I decided it was a good idea to lower my dose of medication because I felt so great. Bad idea! Very bad. Fast forward to June. It was father’s day, Dad’s birthday and the anniversary in which he died. All in one weekend. I began to fall into a pit. I was just trying to stay afloat and sought medical help. Once gain to be told to take a higher dose of medicine. That weekend was beyond hard. My ways of escape were stripped. I couldn’t exercise because of surgery, I was out of work, etc. etc.
June 16, 2019. My husband and I went to the park and released a balloon in remembrance of my father. I was emotionally spent. We came home to sit for a bit. Then there was a knock at the door. It was the police. They proceeded to tell me Rob overdosed at the wheel and was at the hospital. This would be his third offense, a 10-year loss of license. I immediately called my mom because this was just beyond me at the time. Rob was picked up and later taken home. We received a call that he was missing, he shut his phone off and was nowhere to be found. Where does your mind go after gone through so much? You got it. He is dead. Sure, as I’m sitting here, I felt it, I knew it. I was just waiting for the call that came 3 days later. He took his life as well. I can’t even believe I’m still here as I sit and type. It’s kind of surreal.
The moments after his death were completely hard. I couldn’t wrap my head around. I felt like an alien. What must people think of my family? What must they think about me? I felt cursed. I knew better on the inside. I didn’t turn to people for my comfort, I turned to God. My counselor, my maker, my comforter. He walked me through it and continues to do so. The only hope that I have is that I will be reunited with them. They all believed in Jesus. I have this hope as an anchor for my soul. It keeps me grounded. Life continued and it was tough during the early days, time made it a bit easier to cope and I was released to resume physical activity. Which is where I found yoga. A safe way for me to exercise and relieve stress. I fell in love.
Now I’m approaching the Big 4-0! My Aunt, who was my guardian angel, prompted me to get a mammogram, as breast cancer ran in our family. Another blessing shall we say. I did it and said thank god that’s over with. Until they called me in for further testing. I needed to get a biopsy of a suspicious cluster. My aunt assured me it was nothing. Probably just calcifications, so I told the nurse don’t contact me with the results for 2 weeks because I will be in Florida. They didn’t. I returned home and went back to work. I retrieved my cell phone at the end of the day with a voicemail. The radiologist instructed me to come in to discuss my results. Fear ran all through my body, my best friend Heather volunteered to go with me. We drove over together to wait in the dreadful waiting area. Entered the office as they sat in silence with the most intense facial expressions. “Well, you have cancer. But it is the good one to have because it is very treatable. Stage 0 DCIS”. I didn’t know what any of this meant. Nor what was to follow. Remember this is only a few months after the loss of my brother. I didn’t want to have to put on another brave face. I was tired.
I went to a host of different appointments, ultimately deciding to go for a double mastectomy with reconstruction. I did not want to receive radiation, or hormone therapy or chemotherapy. This was my decision. It was a sound one. I sit here 2 surgeries later, cancer free, with 2 new friends. It was a grueling process, but it is behind me and it’s time to turn the page to a more colorful chapter.
March 2021. My guardian angel, Aunt Di was diagnosed with AML. Acute Myeloid Leukemia. She was a fierce one. She went from working to having to undergo intense chemotherapy. The process was to kill everything, then rebuild. It was completely shocking to say the least, as she was only 50 years old. She remained in the hospital and had many ups and downs. Fast forward to May 2021. COVID struck my family and both of my grandparents, and my aunt were all hospitalized. Hearing the news, I booked a flight and got there as fast as I could to help in any way that I could. My grandfather lost his battle. Then following my grand mom. It was devastating. I was able to be with my nan before she passed, which I am eternally grateful for. I returned home back to New Jersey. Trying to process all of this. A few days after being home, I received another phone call. My Aunt’s condition had worsened. She didn’t make it Within 1 and half weeks we lost three very important family members. One family, and a series of tragedies!
I kept dreaming in color. Believing for another opportunity. I had applied for a few different art teaching positions. Finally got a good phone call for an interview! The following day I received another call offering me the position! I accepted it and will be starting in September.
I share all of this, not for you to say how sad or tragic it is. It certainly is. I share to tell you that no matter what you are going through God has equipped you with what you need to get through it. His design for your life was pre-determined. He has deposited many natural abilities within you. These things that bring you joy. Pursue them, chase them, devote your time into them. He has a plan and a purpose for you and will collect all the ashes of your story to create a masterpiece. My dream was buried and rediscovered through pain. His word is true. Isaiah 66:9 “I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born.” So, no matter what you are going through, ask God what he would have you do? What does he want you to learn? How can this situation be used of for good? And remember its nots where you begin in life but where you finish.
I had every reason to throw in the towel. Walk away from my faith, pitch a fit, you name it. BUT GOD!! He always presents us with choices or free will. You do with it what you like but I chose to follow him. And when the going gets tough, keep on seeking. Even if it means sharing your tears with him. He understands and even collects them in a bottle. I must understand that I have zero control, I am in full surrender. His way is the only way for me to go and I have some tough things to accept. There is much to be said about that simple word. Accept the things you cannot change. You will wear yourself out refusing accept what reality holds. Table it and let go because some things will never get resolved on this side of heaven.
Protect your mental, physical, spiritual and emotional health. You are worth fighting for and you must take care of you. Aren’t you worth it? Surely you are. When you need help, dammit ask for it. Find a support group, seek medical help, get outside of yourself. If your voice is the only voice you are hearing, you will be in trouble. We were designed to depend on one another. Find a local church and get spiritual covering. Join a gym, take a class, devote time to a hobby. Make longevity your focus. You are no good to anyone else if you aren’t taking care of you. This is how I survive. No doubt I am a walking testimony of God’s grace. I can’t imagine where I would be without his guidance, protection, comfort, friendship and so much more.
Most importantly, keep your dream alive! Don’t let anyone take it from you. God placed that there in your heart. Sometimes it’s for a specific season. All seeds have to die before they can grow.
In my heart lay many vacant rooms Filled with memories of those who have gone to soon Rooms that were once full of love, life and laughter Left disappointed; empty; with no happily ever after
We always want the story book ending and for some it just isn’t true Living like a fairy tale, Cinderella doesn’t always find her shoe
You do your best to function and continue to live your day But when faced with stillnes and quiet it just never seems ok Yet death is certainly a part of life, of this I am certain But what to do with the vacant rooms in my heart, I guess I’ll keep on searching
No matter how I try to fill them, it just is the never the same They were carved out special for those I have loved, only longing remains
We bury the hurt in our day to day, because life just moves on This is will be the same for me and you when we are also gone
This is my conclusion; this is my resolve Focus on today:be present: continue to evolve Live each day with intention, purpose and passion For things shift ever so quickly, like walls that come down crashing In the blink of an eye, everything can be changed In that very same blink, your world can be rearranged
There’s no getting used to it, nor is it something to overcome It’s learning to walk a brand new life, it seems it’s just begun
While your steps may falter, walking with a limp Just remember this life is fleeting; here and now is just a glimpse For when the mighty trumpet sounds and heaven beckons us to come We will again be reunited, for all eternity, never to be undone
And in this is our treasure chest, our true happily ever after Tuck away these promises, turning that mourning into laughter Cinderella does find her shoe in an unconventional way Store your treasures in heaven, live your fullest life today
A time to heal, a time to recover From all relentless stress you’ve been under There is a time for everything of this I am sure A time to laugh, a time to build a time to mourn
And yet you will walk through this valley, but not alone Deep in the thick of it, no answers can be known Trying to make sense of it all, understand and reason You will laugh again, it’s only for a season
For when time seems cut short, there is only one way to go Accepting what we can’t understand, so we may continue to grow It hurts to let go, but you can’t hold on and recieve Just a little at a time, that is the process of grief Like trying to move a mountain one shovel at a time It’s seem futile and endless, yet peace you will find Letting go and taking in, each day it repeats For this is the way you should walk, this is grief
It’s the cost of having loved, then having to move on With others whom you assumed would walk alongside are now gone It hurts, it is painful, yet that’s the cost of having loved No easy way about it, for time is never enough
There is no good time to experience loss, not on this side of heaven at least And everyone will have their own measure of joy, sorrow and grief And when it knocks on your door, believe me it will Remember the words that I wrote, stand silent and still
Let the waves crash over and lean into them And when they receded they will come again Loss isn’t something you get over, that could never be true You learn to live a different life, carrying them with you
The sun will shine again, you will feel the warmth of its embrace Keep moving forward each day, relying on God’s grace His promises are true, weeping may last for a night But his joy will soon return again, restoring your weary sight
Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end
When beauty fades and time stands still All has been stripped away, what remains is will The mindset to move forward, continue to love and grow Determination to stand tall, releasing that inner glow
Our lives are but a small piece on much larger scale We only see the present, but eternity will prevail It’s so hard to let go of those whom we cherished dear As the days pass, making memories, our end continues to draw near
We spend so much time toiling about material things, but it all is so shallow Loss shifts your perspective, for possessions are hollow What matters, what really matters is faith, hope and love For this is what will remain, and this is enough
Forgiving one another, not getting easily offended Working on relationships that need to be mended Laying my head down in peace is my number one goal Did I put others before myself, caring for their soul
This will all pass away, remember what’s important For we never know when someone we loves life will be shortened And when it seems unbearable, trust me it will Mediate on eternity, quiet your mind and be still
For we are dead much longer than we are alive We build our treasures in heaven, for when eternity will arrive
Cherish every moment, this beautiful life is a gift Like sand in a hourglass, it sifts through quite quick
How are you doing? Are you okay? Simple, polite words on any random day
But when you are trying to hold on Doing everything to stay strong
These very words sting like a bee Crushing beneath the surface of what the eyes can see
Because while everything looks fine There is a whole different scenario warring in the mind
Grief…. the pain of having loved, longing for more Grief….. rattles deep inside, making your steps unsure
What was once filled a heart, leaves an empty hole Left feeling crushed and broken, wounded in your soul How are you doing? Are you okay? Just be silent when you don’t know what to say
Be the one who rises up and walk beside the broken These simple gestures provide more than any words that can be spoken
For in doing this you help shoulder the pain that seems to much to bear And this is the greatest gift that you can ever share
For every heart knows its own joys and sorrows We don’t know what today holds, yet alone tomorrow
Be quick to listen, and slow to speak Then you will unveil what truly lies beneath
IN DEEP WATERS 