Let’s face it, I won’t sugarcoat anything. As an educator, I consider any circumstance that comes into my life a lesson to be learned. The burden of a student is to learn, while the burden of a teacher is facilitate the lesson. Only students can satisfy their requirement. I play both roles basically, they always coincide. In life, we never stop learning. We continuously evolve and adapt to new roles, always learning. At least I do, I can only speak for me.
Having said, any situation, good or bad, presents itself as an opportunity to learn, to glean and to grow. It’s a gift I inherited from an early age and thrived in school. I’ve always enjoyed learning and consider it a life long journey. The day I stop learning, is like death to me. It’s an insatiable need to for knowledge and wisdom. A gift from my maker! As an educator in the field of life, I have both a burden, as well as an honor and privilege to share, to teach and to educate. I’d like to share with you my experiences and what I’ve learned and continue to learn. It’s never over. It’s always a process. If you do not like what I have share, then by all means don’t read it. Truthfully it doesn’t matter to me. It’s my burden to teach, it’s your responsibility to learn.
My burden to teach comes at the expense of a heavy heart and a lot of tragedy. We have faced many challenges in our family and a lot of pain. I intentionally decide not to hide it but to share it as my gift to others. I talk about real stuff, messy people and who God is in the midst of it all. It’s my cross to carry and I carry it with honor, dignity and pain. So if it means for me to bear my wounds to you, then I’m all about it. In lieu of the pain that I have suffered, I consider it a teachable moment. It’s one of my coping skills. So no matter what the situation, no matter what the cost I bring it before God and say, “Lord I have no control over what comes into my life, I can only choose how I respond to it all. How can I learn from this situation?” Romans 8:28 “For we know all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose” It doesn’t say something’s, it says ALL. However there is a burden on our part. That is the response to surrender to the process. Surrendering pain to God exactly where I am at any given moment, allowing him to sort through it as we work together. As I cooperate with him, he heals my pain and we work through it. It doesn’t go away, but we walk together. As we walk together, I learn how sorrow and joy co-exist. That you really can’t have one without the other. To know true joy, you have to know and understand sorrow.
And I ask, “God what is the purpose of all this pain in my life, of losing three of the most important men in my life from my childhood to suicide?” Is it to grow, to learn, to share? My resolve is, God if we don’t use this pain for your purposes than its all in vain. I devote every ounce of my being to take care of what you have bestowed to me. My role that will never change no matter what is to be the daughter of my eternal father in heaven. As his daughter, he wants me whole. It’s a process and a lifelong adventure. As a gardener we take care of the weeds, so that I may continue to bear fruit in spite of all of the weeds. There are no simple answers to educate others about the truth of suicide and the mark that it leaves on the surviving members of the family. For surviving family members that comes in many forms. The biggest one is SILENCE! We dare not talk about it. If we talk about it we accept what some may call “the unforgivable sin” At least in a community of believers.
For those who don’t believe, we take their shame as well, in the form of judgment. What’s wrong with that family? What’s inherited in their family line that this keeps happening? And so what happens is the remaining survivors are left with either trying to keep it under the carpet and move on it, not dealing with it or feeling isolated with no one to share it with. I pray every day, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. At the end, I’m only responsible for myself. How I respond to the pain is my decision. At times it is unbearable because there are very few people whom I can share it, who simply just have the ability to listen. Not to judge or give me a quick fix or a band aid, offering some piece of information that satisfies their need to want to help the situation. I don’t seek for anyone to fix me; I’m not a puzzle to be solved. I need someone with a real heart of compassion and two big dumbo ears to listen and a mouth that seldomly speaks, “I’m so sorry” and two arms to wrap them around me and just hold me. It’s a rare find. But I have them, my crew! They are more valuable than anything in this earth and I can count them on one hand. I’m grateful for each and every one them! The true heart of Christ in human form, a rare gem if you will.
But God! He accepts me always, as I am, with no judgment. Bearing my soul and surrendering my pain is the serenity part of it. The courage portion is birthed out of my desire to teach. I am compelled to share and educate. I have a burden for people, messy people. My burden was and is birthed out of losing my brother Rick, my father and my oldest brother Rob to suicide. The burden of truth is this “They didn’t want to die; they wanted their pain to end”. I don’t want to die either; I would like the pain to end; however that’s not on my terms but his. Joy and pain will always co-exist in my life and I’m learning to be okay with that. I’m also okay with acknowledging the faith that I have, others admire it, desire it. It can’t be rubbed off on someone else; I’m not the answer to your child’s issues or the anecdote to your own insecurities or flaws. I’m simply me, while my faith can be admired, that’s okay. The truth of it is, if you want the faith that I’ve got, you also have to endure the pain I’ve experienced and persevered through and surely you don’t want to walk in these flip flops for they were created for me. Simply follow me, as I follow him. That’s it, the only certainty I have. If you know me, you know where to find me. Kneeling at the altar, pouring out my heart to my father in pure surrender.
I’ve always had hope, even now as I walk through the valley now. I know beyond any doubt or fear, my greatest victories are yet to come. Feelings are temporary, meant to be expressed and felt. The challenge of having faith in these moments gets conflicted because faith isn’t dependent on our feelings. Faith is dependent on being fed. Romans 10:17 Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. My burden in losing the 3 men of my youth is to express the pain, acknowledge it and continue to feed my faith daily, with the confidence in knowing that God will work this out for my good, when I take responsibility for myself. For when this life is over, we will each give an account of our own life and our works will be tested through the fire 1 Corinthians 3:13. This means, not casting judgment on others. This world would be a better place if we each took responsibility for our own actions. The reality for me has been free will. My pain comes at the expense of others, yet I will continue to choose life. Maybe I can’t change the world, but if I can change the life of one person my job is done! For God leaves the 99 to go after the 1! I am imperfect like you, saved by grace.
Let’s talk about Pain. If there is anything I know in this life. James 1:2-4 “Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that it is the testing of your faith that produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
As humans living this life, we will all experience pain and joy. Sometimes we experience pain at the expense of others’ choices, while at other times it could be based on our very own decisions. Whether it be stemming from work pressure, financial responsibilities, childhood trauma, loss, fear of failure, fear of not measuring up to the expectations of society it is all around. Pain is not the problem, for we know we will experience it. The truth of the matter is, if we don’t deal with the pain, the pain will deal with us.
Pain has the capacity to teach us many things. Steve Furtick exemplifies the lessons of pain very well in his sermon “The Power of Silence for Personal Growth. He states, “Pain has a way of revealing things that comfort never could. It exposes what is weak, refines what is strong and reveals what truly matters. Some of the most powerful growth happens in seasons of pain. Not because pain itself is good but because it forces a person to confront what they otherwise would ignore. “
If I had to develop a title for this blog it would be PAIN Management.Pain is inevitable for each and every one of us but suffering is optional. It is how we chose to respond to pain that separates “the men from the boys” so to speak. Each of us holds something quite valuable, which can not be shaken. It is unique to all of us. What is it? Perception. How pain is perceived
will either break you or build you, make you bitter or make you better, cause you to confront or avoid. There are choices around every corner. Only you decide how to perceive it. One thing for certain; pain is necessary for growth. Perspective changes the outcome. The way a person perceives their pain will shape what they become because of it.
I am not speaking from a place of uncertainty however from a place of experience and learning how to be resilient. I have learned to ask, what can I learn about myself in this season of pain? How can I grow through it ? How can I confront it head on? Being comfortable has never been an option for me. I have seen the devastation of losing both of my brothers and my father to suicide. Simply put; they did not know how to deal with pain.
As a sibling and a daughter; I learned by observation. What not to do and how to make more intentional decisions because of it. Through this I learned a great deal about myself. One of the greatest victories is that pain is the gateway for transformation. I no longer run from pain but often embrace it. Knowing fully that when I cooperate with the process; it will remove distractions, strip away what is unnecessary and sharpen my focus. I also learned to become unshakeable. Steve Furtick summarized this when he said – “The most unshakable people are not the ones who have never suffered .They are the ones who have suffered and still chose to keep going”. I keep moving forward. One direction, razor sharp focus on what pain has taught me and the burden to help others. It has created a fire in my soul, designed for impact.
If you bear with me, you will learn from some of the inventory I have surveyed along the way. It came at a great cost. Having loved and having lost. However, nothing will be wasted. Let him who has ears hear what the spirit is saying. I pray that you would be challenged, comforted and inspired to embrace pain and allow it to build you.
Pain- Prison or Pursuit?
Psalms 51:6 Behold, you desire truth in the innermost being. And in the hidden part of my heart you will make wisdom to me (amplified)
Now one of the benefits of being a woman is that I am relational to my very core. Women talk, women share, we even use the ladies room in groups. So what would that say about the Lord?
He longs for intimacy- into-me-see. Think about when he created Adam and Eve, their purpose was to his creation and commune with him. That was his intent. It still has not changed.
I’d like to share a story with you that quite simply could have taken my very life. It was in the early hours of the morning on June 16, 2014. My father had spent the weekend in Long Beach Island for his birthday. The purpose was to catch fluke. Long story short, he ended up at a bar later on in the evening hours. He proceeded to go outside and have a cigarette. While he was out there, there was some kind of dispute with the busboy, who was only 16 years of age. In his state of drunkenness, he pulled out a knife on the boy. My father was arrested, fortunately no one was hurt.
The next morning was Father’s day, My brother Rob and I were going to spend some time fluke fishing with him. So I arrived excited for what’s to come. As I pull up towards the street I see my brother and my fathers girlfriend standing outside. They looked as though they had seen a ghost. I got out of the car and greeted them. Then asked, “Where is Daddy?” They began to inform me of the story I shared with you. Apparently the police wanted to know if this was typical behavior of my father. I snickered under my breath and said, “Well when there is alcohol involved with him anything can happen. So yes it is quite predictable.”
None the less, Rob and I stayed and fished together, while his girlfriend went to pick him up. Later on in the evening I sent my father a text. Wishing him a happy birthday and a Happy Father’s day. He responded graciously. There was nothing that could prepare me for what was to come in the morning.
I was getting ready for work, at the time I worked at a pre-school and had 15 smiling faces anxiously awaiting to greet me. My father finally called. His voice was quite broken. He said I really did it this time. I’m into some deep trouble. I responded, “I know Dad but your bail was set low so I wouldn’t anticipate anything super harsh. I assured him we would get through this together. I explained how it could be a turning point.” He replied, “You know I love you. I said of course. I love you too”
After hanging up with him, I toiled with myself. I just couldn’t shake the thought that he was going to kill himself. I started typing a text. I said Dad I’m truly worried about you. I am not sure if its the trauma of losing Rick to suicide but i feel like you are going to do the same thing.”
He responded to the text with a phone call and left a voice message. I was in the shower. When I got out of the shower, I saw a missed call, so I called him back.
The desperation is in his voice, he cried I am so sorry Nikki. Take care of Liz. Then he hung up. I dropped to my knees and immediately called 911 to get to his house, followed by a phone call to my grandfather asking him to go to his house and leave my grandma at home.
My father, being the strategic intelligent man who he was, made a phone call to the police letting them know where his body would be found. He was found at a lake, holding my brother’s ashes in his hand, with a bullet through his brain.
The aftermath of this day brought and still does carry so much weight. Suicide is awful but when you lose a parent it is a different can of worms. It’s personal, very personal. As a result I had some tough choices to make. Would I remain in prison with the lies of rejection or would I pursue healing based on the word of God. At this point I had already pursued inner healing for childhood trauma.Therefore I knew what to do and who to run to. The truth. The truth that God desires in the innermost parts.
One of the bars that locked my heart was the weight of being the last person to speak to him. He left that burden on me. For whatever sick kind of reason he trusted me with that information. It made me so angry after all of the damage that occurred already. The final blow was to leave this burden. Take care of his girlfriend??
Grief is a grueling process. I remember sitting in front of the mirror getting ready completely broken. Feeling like I was not going to make it through. The Holy Spirit – quiet and confident said “Greater is he who is me than he who is in the world. “
God is also a pursuer! He will hunt us down to be embraced with his love. It was during my private moments with God that gave me the courage to stand publicly. Let’s face it, suicide is not something spoken about, especially in church. I knew I needed to hear from him and only him. He is the only source that can heal my soul.
One particular morning, I was talking with him and said, “But God I was the last one to speak to him. “ He quietly whispered back, “I was the last one there”. What freedom I felt. What comfort I experienced. He removed the burden and put it on himself, as only he could.
Step 1: Acknowledge the truth and take it to him.
What’s truly in there
We often think God knows everything, what is the point in sharing. The point of a relationship is it works both ways. You share, he listens. You listen. He responds. It is basic humanity. The point of sharing is to then receive the truth. The only truth.
This is the pursuit. Pursuing an intimate relationship with the father. I can say that all I have gone through caused me to have a deeper relationship with him. I am fearless because of how he fearlessly loves me. It came from pursuit. Now I could have very easily remained behind prison bars, holding onto the lie that I somehow had power or was at fault. But I had to acknowledge the truth in my innermost being to him. God is as close to you as you want him to be
I’m sure we all have scars in this room. Deep things hidden in our hearts that we have never told a soul. Not even God. This is your moment. Shame says “If others knew the truth about me, no one would love me. “ Something I learned in Shelter through the Storm of Sexual Abuse. Freedom says, I love you with an everlasting love. David was referred to as a man after God’s own heart. As you look into the Psalms, you will see that David did not hide his truest self from God. He shared it all! Jesus would also go off to quiet places to spend time with his father.
These times they both shared were private and alone. Have you ever thought about the sound of a whisper? In order to hear a whisper, you would have to be quiet and close. I invite you to examine your heart allowing the precious love of the father to enter into your pain, enter into the shame and wait quietly until he speaks. He is here. The healer is here. He won’t force you. You can stay in Prison if you would like. It is your choice. Freedom is a much better path and a significant hope for your future.
Approval or Affirmation
Just imagine you just applied for a credit card to get your 20 percent discount. You’re standing at the counter, handing over all of your credentials, social security number, blood type etc. All to get the sale price. Finally your information is run through. You read the very words you long to hear. Approved!!
Okay maybe I’m the only one who does this. who Am I kidding? We have all been there. Desperate times call for desperate measures especially when a grocery cart is the most expensive vehicle to own.
Some of our most basic needs for love 2 words that ring clear are the needs for acceptance and affirmation. While they sound quite similar, they are very unique. Approval is heavily upon the opinion we desire to hear from a specific person. Affirmation encourages you to do more, it motivates you to grow, reflect and love generously.
Simply put, the family unit reflects God’s design, and our understanding of love, trust, and security often stems from the relationship we have with our parents. In a healthy home, where acceptance and affirmation are present, it’s easier to comprehend God’s love and role as a father. Acceptance makes us feel valued, while affirmation pushes us to grow and love generously. These foundational experiences shape who we are and how we relate to God.
When we seek approval of others we may change according to their opinions. This is unhealthy behavior because it is quite manipulative and based out of fear.
Unmet needs make a person sick. What that looked like for myself and each of my siblings was quite different. Our same sex parent often is the one in which we validate ourselves, testing to see if we measure up to them.
My response to my fathers lack of intimacy with the family was to aim to not stir the pot. I walked on eggshells figuring if I was good enough I would be noticed. I excelled because of it. I took a good long look at him and decided I didn’t need his approval. I made my own decisions at a young age. I did not accept his hateful ways for God had brought me to safety in a small Baptist church. I received Christ as my savior at the age of 5.
My life had changed. I was invited to church each week with the family down the street. I found love and relationships. Genuine love. It was dull in comparison to my father, so I decided I didn’t need him. He was not emotionally available anyways.
My oldest brother Rob longed for my father’s approval. I saw it to his very own detriment. Growing up my father had a very hateful heart. It was kind of like hitler in a sense. If you need to meet his criteria then well you were just wrong and unacceptable.He bonded with other men who thought like he did. At the very heart of it all is just looking to belong to a group because you were a misfit in your own family. We see it all the time. Kids in gangs etc. Except when there are young children involved.
Children will mirror their parents. Rob emulated whatever my father did because he wanted his stamp of approval. This led him to join a gang, get an inappropriate Tattoo on his back and engage in racial violence. We were sitting at home gathered around the TV watching the local news. We were shocked to see that one of our very own neighbors’ homes had A cross burning on their lawn, as well as gun shots fired at their house. All in the name of love. Rob acted just as surprised as we were until the FBI showed up at our house.
For Rob, he was never able to get what he so longed for from my father. In the end the anger, resentment, rejection overtook him. He picked up heroin as a means to cope in his early 20’s.. He climbed the scale similar to many others who have gone before their time. He met his match with heroin. He fought tirelessly for 20 years. His moments of sobriety were precious to us. He would learn and grow so much, anxious to share his truth with us. My mom and I supported every step of his recovery. When he would fall, we would fall. When he would rise, we would rise. My father was not available to him during much of this.
I will never forget my 21st birthday. My father and I shared a birthday. June 14th, we went to a local restaurant and shared a meal and wine. While we were there, Rob was pursuing recovery. He knew to stay away from people, places and things. He proudly walked in with a birthday card in hand for my father. He left early because he knew he could not handle being in that environment. When he got up, my father angrily rose up and scolded him for not staying longer to celebrate his birthday. Rob left defeated and crying.
I rose to the occasion on my brother’s behalf and got in my fathers face and screamed! What is wrong with it!! How can you not see that all he wants is your approval! I said a few other choice words, not church appropriate but that was my brother I was defending. I would not sit silent. I wasn’t afraid of him and in that moment I knew I could not only speak up for myself, but others as well.
It wasn’t long after that I severed the relationship with my father, in pursuit of inner healing. I had come to the realization that he was just not healthy. Truth be told he was incredibly narcissistic and incapable of love. I wasn’t going to continue to subject myself to such destruction and I decided I was going to show my brothers a better way of living.
Here I am years later observing the damage. I remember a conversation I had with God, I asked how can one man cause so much destruction? His response was that his only son caused so much victory! It overtook the darkness. God has a remedy for every wound. There is so much that I have learned that I desire to share but for time sake we have to move on.
Where my father lacked approval, my mom came in swinging with affirmation. Like a batter in a box, her support was bar none a home-run. Her faith, her commitment, devotion and conviction, caused me to follow her. I followed her as she followed God and healing. God was changing her! This was my game-changer. Her belief in God and me was bigger than any mountain I could ever climb. This helped me to translate the love of my father.
When you are around people that love you fearlessly, you walk away feeling like you could do anything you ever wanted. Anything was possible! That’s how the love of God is! Right down to the heart of a mother.
Belief is a powerful thing when you trust the source that is affirming you. This trust was so child- like because I knew her love for me was genuine. I trusted that she would not steer me wrong. She set the parameters for my inner healing. She taught me how to seek help. She continues to do so to this very day! And because of my relationship with her I fell into surrender, into submission. It was never forceful, gentle as the breeze.
When I know who I am as a child of God, there is no demon in hell that could scare or intimidate me. When I caught hold of that God birthed a dream inside of me. I was in my early 20’s. It filled me with joy, hunger,expectation and vision. I said ok, Let’s table that one God. Put it on the shelf to store for a bit. All the while I was serving kids, with this dream in my heart, longing that just didn’t make sense. But God spoke it, so it was true. Whatever he says, will come to pass. That’s just the way it goes.
What I understand now, that I didn’t understand in my 20’s is that, that dream would cost me everything I have. Everything I thought made sense, and hoped or believed ended up not the way I would have planned or for saw. It wasn’t a lack of faith, rather it was accepting what had happened. I had to process all of the grief, resentments, disappointments. All of these things buried my dream. Or so I thought. It never died!
Here I am at 45 years of age, the most alive I have ever been. Desperate and thirsty to share my pain and growth with you. It would be a total loss, to work through so much and not share with you how good God is. I am not ashamed of my pain, I am not ashamed of the Gospel either ! It has resurrecting power. It is not by fate that I am here. I’ve had every devil in hell try to rob me of my destiny. Neither is God. God walked with me every step of the way.
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled it is a tree of life.
God is no respecter of persons, what he has done for me. He can do it for you. But you have to trust him with your whole heart. At the end of this life he will be the only one whose approval you need.
Rest assured you already have it. It’s already there. You have to believe what he says. His word says, “Who precious are your thoughts towards me, how vast is the sum of them. If I were to count them one by one, they would outnumber the grains of sand. “ Psalms 139: David knew the truth about how much God loved him. He accepted it too.
You are the dream God had on his mind when he created you. He downloaded everything you need to be who you are. When you compare yourselves to one another you do a disservice to him. It’s like a painting arguing with the painter. The painter knows in secret exactly what he desires. It’s when the design is complete it becomes alive.
God had you on his mind when you were formed in your mother’s womb. In spite of any negative circumstance or issue you weren’t brought here by default. It was not plan B. It starts with your internal dialogue. God has given you everything he could ever offer. The choice is yours to accept the truth or oppose. I would advise you not to be the judge in your story but to trust in his word.
Everything starts with your belief system and what you believe to be true. Your beliefs become, thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny. It all starts with your internal beliefs. For today say:
I believe I am loved. I believe that God created me unique according to his plan. I am accepted, I am approved. He loved me so much that he sent his son to die in my place. I lack nothing, I am complete and made in his image.
Intention or Institution
An intention is a plan or idea that you want to carry out, or a determination to act in a curtain way. All paths should lead to Jesus, the only way. The way he spoke, his gate when he walked. Can you imagine if he were here right now? It’s how you perceive or learn about him that becomes the message. Our attitudes, our choices, our character. Everything should come from the direction of his heart.
What I admire the most about him, his will. Now I’ve always been strong-willed, stubborn or called rebellious. It’s simple conviction. When that conviction is centered around him, my intention becomes my destiny. He is the epitome of character. I want to be just like him! If my intention does not line up next to his, it’s wrong. He is our mirror. When we take a glance in the mirror, we are not looking for perfection. We are looking to mature to become more like him. It’s growth we are after on this side of heaven. If my character looks the same in ten years, please arrest me. It simply means I’ve stopped searching.
If he had told me what I know now, I would have never survived. I continue to trust the process. He is an architect. I do not think that for one moment he looked away. Perhaps I have taken my eyes off of him for a moment.
Have you ever played remember when? With people you are close to? Well I play this game with friends and it’s just hysterical. I got to thinking about my remember whens with God, When you are friends with someone, connected deeply, they share very intimate and personal things.
Things that are not meant to be shared with others. He has shared so many things with me about the direction of my life. Just recently I said remember when God said…If he said it I know it’s true. I’m convicted 100 percent. Cash it all in. He said it will happen. You know when you are friends with someone, they help prepare you for the storm. That’s just what he did and continues to do. Every storm that came in my life, came with a warning. Heads up, prepare for this. I just want you to know that I see what’s coming. So get ready. Like a woman giving birth, he runs alongside and then begins coaching you to get you through. He always provides.
What could get in the way of this friendship? A four letter word. Pride. This word holds so much power. If you put your pride before pain you would head for a pitfall. If I have learned a thousand times over is that the only way out is through. A woman doesn’t stop laboring in the middle of things. She pushes through the pain until that baby is in her arms. The pain is so great, so deep soon to be replaced with the joy of her deliverance. Simply put, our nature allows us to push through pain. It is literally the way it was designed. Just like our father. Now remember we both came from him, Out of the same heart, but we war differently. We need intimacy for delivery. The secret to getting out pain is letting someone in and allowing them to help walk you through it. That’s what makes us resilient.
If pride comes before dealing with it, then that’s it, there is no joy. Nothing is re-born. We just die in pain. If I had placed my will before God’s, I simply would not be here. I had to lay down my will and accept the losses. They just kept coming. I just kept surrendering. All the while looking more and more like him. It’s not shameful to suffer. It is unbearable to do it alone.
Pride would say. I got this. I can handle it on my own. Actually I know a better way. We know what the word says about pride, it comes just before a fall.
Let’s get back to intention. There is a powerful man in the bible who laid out a beautiful demonstration of intention. He didn’t handle the secret the father gave him and as a result, it landed him in the pit. He was once adorned with a coat of many colors, highly favored among his brothers. Joseph! His own family threw him into the pit probably because he flaunted his dream in front of others like a peacock. Proud as can be. God showed him that one day through dreams. I am so glad that Joseph was a dreamer. I can usually be found with my head in the clouds also, always dreaming. But when God gives you a dream, it won’t relent. It is sealed like a covenant, a binding agreement.
Can you imagine being in the pit, how dark it must have been. The thought of a shower, how he probably longed to be clean. Yet there he was. He had every right to be angry, he had every right to forfeit. That wasn’t the plan and he understood it very well. Like Joseph I understand the plan God has on the inside of me. There is a dream. It is the very dream that keeps my heart alive.
Jesus was also a dreamer. In fact so much that he set his intention to follow that path, right up to the very end. Was it fair? Never. It’s not our will but his. Are my losses fair? Surely not but if I exchange what I thought should have happened, I refuse to accept the gift of surrendering my will. Joseph’s pain led him to the palace, Jesus’ pain led him to die on the cross for our eternity. I am in good company. Loss is a place of birth, when you surrender to it.
How do we know when it’s from God? Our hearts can be quite deceitful. So much that we can’t even trust ourselves. If it doesn’t line up with his words, it’s not right. Life isn’t fair but this journey is not about us. Jesus demonstrated that so well.
What can stop us?Our pride. It sounds like I’m fine, everything is fine. While all the while deep on the inside, you just coast along like the status quo. If you tell yourself this long enough, you will believe it. As one who has experienced a lot of trauma, the I’m fine is a coping mechanism. It’s meant to be for a time. Then you look back into the mirror and realize, wait a minute I stopped growing. This is not fine.
At that point our minds suddenly become an institution and it can and pain then is managed. In fact I began to measure my pain against my pain, denying my feelings in the process. You have to be fine to survive in this world. No one is coming to pay your bills for you. It’s work, it’s discipline, you can easily become institutionalized. This very framework should never be a measuring tool to settle into comfort. Our measuring tools will be replaced by comparing ourselves to each other rather than looking internally. You know me syndrome. Why am i so different, what’s in this for me, what do i get out of this, i deserve more, etc, etc. This is the pain of pride that shouldn’t be managed. You weren’t born to look or have someone else’s identity.
Free your mind and the rest will follow. God created you with great purpose. My purpose was birthed out of pain. I’m not sure what your story is. We all have one. We all share the same human experiences: pain and joy, despair and hope, faith and doubt. The list goes on and on. Only you have the power to unlock your mind. You hold the key to opening the prison door to set your intentions. Ask yourself; Do they line up with God’s view of who he says I am? If not it is your perception that needs attention. You can’t set it from a place of brokenness or defeat. It has to come from a place of victory. It lives in his word. Daily. Meditate, dream about it, draw from it. It has the power to arrest every lie that any situation has set itself up against you. You decide if you want to live in the confines of your limited mind or set your intentions with e the one who created you. Don’t let pain and circumstance lie to you. I would have never known my own strength if I didn’t face such adversity. Some of us are strong because being strong was the only feasible option. Running from pain, avoiding it are all just distractions from actual purpose. I had to confront them head on because they didn’t line up with my intention. Control your narrative of the story and don’t let the opinions or judgements of others tell it for you.
Notable or Negative?
Let’s talk about the script that runs in your mind daily. The greatest relationship you will very have is the one whom you spend the most time with. Who is this fine specimen you ask? Well it’s you of course. Day in and day out your greatest relationship is the one you have with yourself. What your recording sounds like only you know, for no one has the power to get inside your mind and see your actual thoughts about yourself. What will reveal itself is the product that you put out. Whether you have a positive outlook on life will ultimately determine your path.
“As a man thinketh in his heart; so is he” Proverbs 23:7
There was an actual scientific experiment that proved this very analogy. There were 2 plants set aside for growth. They both received sun and water. What was different is that the caretaker spoke positively over one plant and hurled insults at the other. The proof was in the growth. The plant who was affirmed grew, whereas the other one slowly died.
We are much more intelligent than species of plants. We have the capacity to choose what we listen to or even greater what we believe to be true of ourselves. “Finally, [a]believers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things [center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart].” – Philippians 4:8
Your thoughts. Are they notable? Are they worthy of self respect? Do you depreciate your own value when circumstances say otherwise. We often confuse the problem with ourselves, allowing it to contaminate what is inside. Oftentimes the problem is the problem. Quite frankly you may not be the problem, so don’t allow situations to dirty or jeopardize your real value. Your real value is not dependent on what is outward. Oftentimes the enemy would have us get distracted by situations to lose sight of the internal work God is doing within us. You may not be the issue after all. It could just be your thoughts.
Next time you encounter a situation ask yourself:
Is this a reflection of me?
Does this determine my worth?
Am I allowing this so much power in my mind to let it define me?
If you answered yes to any of these; the problem is the problem. Don’t let it inside. The truth is the truth. Never changing. That is and can only be found in the audience and the opinion of one. One God. His voice ought to be heard over all the others for he is the only one that is unchanging. Situations change, peoples opinions change, their perception of you will change based on their own needs. His? Will never let you down. Will always fill you with power and encouragement.
In closing I encourage you to write down your dream.
“Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. 3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it will linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.”-
Habakkuk 2:2
If it doesn’t line up with your dream then it isn’t notable. It is simply unworthy of your time, devotion, attention etc. It is simply a set up for you not to reach your full potential. Like the plant, feed yourself good thoughts. Think of positive things that fill you with life, power and passion. Only you have the power to choose. Remember the greatest relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. Don’t pick up the phone if it is not worthy of your time, energy or talent.
Once upon a time, there was a little girl Dazzling with glitter, a sparkle in her eyes She was full of destiny, life and compassion, All of which was buried deep inside
She believed in her happily ever after, Her fairytale is complete, days consumed with laughter
Weeks turned into months, and months turned into years While her deepest needs became entangled with fear Disappointments kept coming swinging like Rocky One round after another, bells range, she kept blocking
Protecting her heart, with bars made of steel Disguising her femininity because of how he made her feel Feeling insignificant, diminishing her worth She abandoned whom she was meant to be at the moment of their birth
For deep inside, she was full of passion, love, and laughter She became so reliable and dependable that she took after Took after everyone denied her true self Putting others’ needs before hers, placing hers upon a shelf
Then the moment came where she could no longer fly This was the moment when she said goodbye Goodbye to the hopes and dreams that were left unfilled Freeing herself from feeling like damaged goods a can that was sealed
Yet she was still preserved, left fully in tact All because she trusted her father in heaven who has always had her back He walks before, beside and in front of her, never leaving her side She is her father’s princess, who has redeemed her heart inside
For he looked, and he saw that she simply felt unseen He bidded her to come from a princess to a queen She is independent, she can fend for herself Not demanding, not high maintenance… inside of her is health
She is calm and assertive and does not need to be spoiled Again and again, she is faithful to a fault, incredibly loyal What happens when that loyalty is returned back to the Queen She’ will take the high road, the one less traveled because she is esteemed
This little girl abandoned was once me Hind’s sight is 20/20. Clearly, I can see All of the ways I denied myself, in the name of a great commission So I released myself and took the keys, no longer to be in prison
My voice has been established, for now it has returned Back to its rightful owner, to get all that she yearned She longs for deep connection, longs to get lost Lost in moments vibrantly, she will take at any cost
The version of me that I have denied is breathing with so much life I will proceed forward with integrity, grace, and class, letting go of strife Embracing my true self, pure vida’ shameless’ and exposed Where this Queen will venture, only she will know
My precious father, my lover, and my best friend Thank you for pursuing me, being with me till the end I can walk through any valley. In you, I am secure The waves will not sweep over me. Of this, I am sure
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me, your presence is my home Because of this, I am confident, established, and fully known I don’t fear the perception of others, for it is yours that I seek Please allow others to see me, but hear you when I speak
There is nothing I desire more than to make you proud To hear well done, my precious daughter, loud amongst the crowd For I am yours and you are mine, together we are one No separation between us, love shining like the sun
Grant me the serenity to accept what I can not change Grant me courage to change what I can when life is rearranged Grant to me an impartation of wisdom, a clear distinction of the two For in the end I stand before you, there will be me and there will be you
It’s been a while since you’ve been around Feeling the highs and lows, ever-changing ups and downs This place feels strange, almost as if somethings wrong Like something is missing, no need to be strong
Feet firmly planted, feeling the earth down below Not having to pretend all is well, letting it all go Not having to guard my heart with an iron; 12 foot fence Muscles relaxed, mind is still; no longer feeling tense
That furrow in my brow: smooth and relaxed Emotions slowly recovering, no longer feeling taxed It was like a long 41 year adrenaline rush Fight or flee has ceased, inside a quiet hush A gentle, calming peace in which I surrender Feeling the weight of gravity, take hold I am centered
I reflect and let out a great big sigh Hands aren’t clenched, wondering why? This place that I speak of.. it’s called stability Haven’t been here very long, I’ve buckled at the knees I see the bruises on my skin, places marked with scars I can remember the pain and anguish, imprisoned within its bars
I am free, no longer a slave to circumstance You will arrive here too, give yourself that chance
Emotions are like the weather, first hot; then again cold You can weather it my friend, continue to feed your soul And when hope fades slowly, when left with just a glimmer Night quickly darkens and the light keeps getting dimmer
Meditate on something positive if only for a moment Let’s the anxious; racing thoughts breeze by, do NOT own them Keep in your heart whatever is pure, whatever is true Stand, when that is all thats left to do Like the stance of a soldier; Yes that is you It won’t be too long until the storms cease And you will once again find that relief
We have all heard the term or are familiar with the word trigger. It’s like a button that hides itself beneath the surface, waiting to be pressed. Certain situations, places, event scents can bring up these painful experiences as if they had just occurred. It dawned on me today, that trigger points in muscles are quite similar and draw a similar parallel in the human body as they do in our emotions.
Trigger points in muscle have a legitimate size and can often be felt beneath the skin. They may feel like knots and become sensitive when touched or put under pressure. The exact causes for trigger points in muscle varies from person to person. They can arise from trauma to another area of the body ultimately compensating, causing other areas to work harder. Stress is a huge factor. Our bodies get tense when under stressful circumstances causing muscle to know up like a ball. They can be treated through massage, stretching and strengthening the muscles around the area. They don’t necessarily go away as much as they lie dormant.
In my journey through dealing with many tragedies and trauma, the events themselves will never go away. What was done was done, and simply can’t be undone. The trigger point is always there, lurking beneath the surface. My question I pose is how do you develop resiliency to deal with the raw emotions that come with triggers? You certainly can hide yourself in a bubble, not interact and engage with your environment and or surrounding, but this will not only keep out the bad but also the good. One of the keys are learning how to process and deal with your emotional responses. Like waves in the ocean, emotions roll in and when expressed they roll out. Sizes of waves vary. Sometimes it may feel like a major setback or tsunami, rather than a wave. How does one cope?
I experienced this similar situation not too long ago. It was the 10-year anniversary in which my brother Rick had passed. Emotions so strong and powerful came flooding in to the point of where I felt as I were drowning. I began having thoughts on how to escape the pain, ways to end it. For a moment, I’d rather have been dead than experienced such powerful raw emotions. When these thoughts arose, I knew immediately to reach outside of myself for a hand to hold. I contacted a friend and let her know how badly I was struggling. She didn’t have a magic pill, but she knew the pain I was facing. That was all I needed. Someone who understood and reminded me to breath.
I reflected on some points I learned in grief share . One of the terms I remember learning was being “ambushed with grief”. It was an experience that grief comes in so fierce that you feel like you have taken 20 steps backwards. It can happen at any time. There are no rules for our emotions. One moment I was fine, the next I wanted to die. Even those thoughts themselves are not even shameful, they are a response that something is very wrong, and you need help. The only shame is not reaching out for support. I would scream this from a mountain top if I could.
Resiliency is often found in the resources we have outside of ourselves. The knowledge that we gained from a support group or book that was read, a simple text or phone call. I hear it time and time again, I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know how you continue. The truth is I know nothing at all except how to ask for help. This is the greatest strength anyone can ever have. A willingness to ask for help, and a willingness to learn. The moment we become unteachable is the moment we die.
So tonight, as I’m thinking about a knot in my muscle, I found the correlation between the body and emotions. Triggers will always come. They will also refer pain to other areas of our lives when left unaddressed often leading us to feel unfulfilled, dissatisfied , angry or bitter, depressed, etc. I encourage you to address the areas that cause you pain and move forward the best you know how. When trigger points rise, reach out for help outside of yourself. Know that you are not alone! Remember as quickly as they escalate, they will also deescalate. Like the rolling waves of the ocean. They roll in, they roll out.
Remember the old phrase “Be kind. Rewind”?. I may be showing my age a bit however there was once a time when going to the movie rental spot was it!
You would browse the aisles, looking at movie covers. It was nicely categorized by sections, including the room behind the curtain where only adults were permitted.
It was nostalgic for me, picking out a movie, getting snacks and candy, then returning home to play the DVD or shall I even dare say VHS tapes!!! Part of the experience was being together, exchanging ideas and returning home to enjoy it. The journey;)
As a child, my mom worked at a part time movie rental place in Franklinville. I always loved to go to work with her and help. Part of my job was to rewind the VHS tapes for those who failed to read the kind sticker on the box. Once the film was completely watched, it had to be rewound manually, well with a VCR.
Unlike the times we live in today, where things move so quickly. At the touch of a button you can return the movie back to the beginning or better yet pick up where you left off.
I enjoy these modern conviences but I really miss the days when life was slower. Forgive me I’m getting a bit caught up in the sentiment.
I’m often asked, how do you it Nichole? How do you continue to move on after so much loss and devastation? I’ve heard time and time again, you are so resilient, so strong. I know others can’t often bear to hear the stories of tragic losses that have occurred in our family let alone live with them.
I was going about my usual day, no triggers, no smell no memories just a longing for my brother.
It is difficult to lose someone you love, no matter how the loss occurred; the pain is relative.
Sometimes there are many traumatic events or seemingly just one that led up to their death. In a moments notice, I’m given a choice.
The thought of the loss is the painful reminder of how I lost my siblings and my father. It wasn’t natural means by far. Suicide, the silent killer.
How do I deal? I could spend hours or. days, trying to gather evidence if what went wrong what was missed? What would it serve me really. Unless it is valuable truth to share insight that I have gained, it really is not fruitful.
I’m not dismissing it, however you have to sift through what to keep and what to let go of. There are specific events ,dates, etc where I have to intentionally choose not to press rewind.
What we meditate on will actually produce life or death. Our mouths speak out of the overflow of our heart. I feel the pain and express in a variety of ways. When I am faced with the giant of remembering the day I recieved the phone call or heard the news, I have to decide not to sit in it.
We have the ability to give things more power than they actually need to. What I’m simply trying to say is when these moments come
They will for all of us at one point or another. Simply pause, decide if you want to show up to attend a rehearsal, reliving the whole experience.
As sure as I am sitting here, I do not recommend this!!! I am in no encouraging denial by any stretch because whatever trauma has happened, has happened. You just don’t need to relive it.
Distractions are healthy. Your new reality is learning to live again. Things are totally rearranged, and that’s ok. This is your new normal. It is far easier to accept it, than imprison yourself by running away, or self medicating.
You can’t really run that far and the medicating provides temporary relief.
My desire is to empower you that you can still stand even after devastation. One decision at a time rebuilding your new normal.
When these traumatic memories come to the forefront of your mind, don’t entertain them .
Allow them to float in; as they will quickly float out
Find a distraction. A hobby a book, exercise, anything but reliving it. This is like allowing the pain associated with the event to occur over and over again to the point where you will defeat yourself.
I’m so happy that my small experience at the video store played a purpose. Don’t press rewind.
This can apply to so many issues in the human heart. Carrying an offense, rehearsing it, reliving it over and over again. Losing a job , a marriage, a home. All of which carry the same weight. Same concept.
You get the point I’m trying to come to. At the beginning and end of everyday , find something to be grateful for. A simple strategy to stay positive and to be present. Anxiety lives in the future, depression lives in the past: normal is now.
Don’t press rewind. That longing to go back to what normal was no longer exists. Accept your new normal. The pain and beauty of living in today.
Total healing is nothing other than accepting the state that you are in. Whether it involves pain or joy. Express these emotions. Tend to them with care and keep it moving forward.
Questions to ask;
What can be learned from my current situation?
How can I grow and mature?
What I have I learned from this situation and how can I apply it to my new normal?
John 14: 2 “My Father’s house has many rooms. If that were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you?”
Tomorrow will be 10 years since you died. It feels like yesterday. The bonds of siblings are never broken. Miss you bro!! Can’t wait to see you again .
If you or anyone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide call 1-800-273-8255. As long as their is breath in your body there is hope. Let’s not lose anyone else to this disease that lies beneath the surface
“How do you shake death Not knowing it was their final breath The pungent smell lingers within I breath in; exhale unsure where to begin
Loss upon loss, penetrating my soul Like a deep, dark crevice; it leaves an empty hole The sorrow left behind Grasping for memories to hold
How do you shake death again and again For grief consistenly lingers within A process never ending, everyday a new choice Making decisions daily , silencing the noise
The noise is always there bubbling beneath the surface Questioning upon questioning, is life really worth it?
The most difficult challenge; choosing to live again Every day presenting a new opportunity that begins
It’s tiring; the weight so heavy Like carrying a pile of books upon your back, trying to remain steady
Life is not a race, we must learn to endure Co-existing with pain and joy: ambivalence at its’ core
My God, I have walked this road for so very long Without you to encourage me daily, I simply wouldn’t be strong
At the beginning of everyday, when I lay my head down at night Decisions remain, choose life; keep sight
For the dreams still unmet, the ones yet to be pursued. Compelled with a strong will to continue to walk in these shoes
I would not have chosen these shoes for myself Mud covered, uncomfortable. I’d place them back upon a shelf
Marked with long suffering, tragedy; pain Battered and worn, from the raging storms and rain
How do you shake death, removing its sting? In the heavenly realms,it’s where my soul sings
Choosing gratitude, the victory was won At the cross of calvary when God gave his only son
He laid down his life so all can enter in Death where is your sting? Jesus covered all sin. My victory is in heaven, where all will be restored For all who believe, shaking death at its core
The Bible speaks of peace that passes all understanding. Phillipians 4:7 “And the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your thoughts and your minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”
It’s not the kind of peace that you have after basking in the sun for hours. Don’t get me wrong I fully enjoy that kind of rest. Especially this week after going for an entire week with no sun in sight!!
The peace that is written about to me occurred so prevalent during an incident that occurred earlier this week. I am no foreigner to stress, worry and anxiety which is the complete polar opposite of peace. In fact peace is so valuable the Bible also instructs us in quite a few verses of how we can accomplish this feat.
One of the examples in which I am drawn to is the direct, simple, and bottom line version in Psalms 34: 14″turn away from evil and do good, Seek peace and pursue it”. Seems simple right?
What about when you are at home making dinner, exhausted from the 45 tasks you already completed and the news is on.
Okay so you are probably hungry, tired and wore out. A set up for disaster as it is. Defenses are weakened on every possible level. I can think of one thing that might benefit you and it’s clearly not the news.
Look around, it’s mayhem as soon as you leave your house. People not knowing how to drive or when to stop at 4 way stop signs and simply take turns.
I have had an incredible amount of peace over the last 3 years, but this incident seemed so profound.
Let me give you some history here. For 20 years of my life, the weight and stress of watching my brothers Rob and Rick battle their demons with substance abuse was absolute torment.
I’ve got news for you. I have quoted every scripture, prayed a million prayers, shed a lot of tears and provided much emotional support. Things would be good for a while but with the demon of heroin, it’s not quite that simple.
I’ve never done it and I can tell you I don’t ever need to. I have seen it personally with Rob so many times. He fought tirelessly! I certainly thought that if anyone could overcome it, it was him. He had the gusto!!
It was the moments in between his sober periods, It was basically everyday. Every phone conversation with my mom revolved around him and our concern. As sure as I’m sitting here, I can not tell you how to have peace in that situation. I never did!!
I always had angst, waiting for the bomb to drop as it usually did. God would prepare me for the times either through a dream an internal knowing etc.
I remember one day driving and talking with God: “Lord this is hell. Watching someone you love struggle with this disease is Hell on Earth”.
Like a good father, he quietly reminded me ” this is the only hell you will ever see”
Having said; this merry go round went on for 20 years. Many ups and many downs, sure some laughter because you gotta laugh to keep from crying. Every one of his victories were ours as well as the relapses.
The overdoses and phone calls from police simply took my breath away. Partly because of knowing Rob’s potential. He was a leader. He would walk into a room, all eyes would be on him. Others listened when he spoke because he spoke with conviction.
On this side of heaven we lost the war. It didn’t end well and as a result he did end of taking his life. The moments following his death as well as my other brother Rick’s death were blurry.
Just walking like a robot through life, completely numb, etc. However the weight of worry was gone. And I gotta tell you, I felt wierd without it.
I had lived with that fear for 20 years! That is exactly half of my life. Just a few short months after Rob’s passing, I recieved another devastating blow and was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer.
Was I scared? Totally a loaded question: I was and knew that I had to put on my brave face and walk it out.
During that season of looking for doctors and praying over decisions;both my husband and I had peace. He even said to me ‘I feel guilty for having peace. Like I should be more upset or worried”.
I reassured him that it wouldn’t serve a purpose to worry.
I also had a level of peace, I wasn’t panicking about doctors, surgeries etc, I dove into the prescense of God.
It helped, as I was completely worn out from grief. I had decided that if I was going in for surgery, I would be a light and would radiate the love of God wherever I went; to whomever I encountered So I sit here 3 years from not having to worry about Rob and his battle with heroin and 10 years from my brother Rick’s tragic death who also struggled with addiction and depression.
These losses were tough and certainly very tragic. None the less; I had a storm of my own to face.
My own giant to conquer. Tired and worn out, I had to dig deep. Kinda like going out to fish for clams. You have to roll up the bottom of your jeans and get your hands dirty.
It was worth it! God provided me with peace and joy everyday!! I also had to protect what he had bestowed upon me by not tending to negative voices, not falling prey to the news, endulging in silly monotonous things.
All as a defense to protect my peace. God’s grace is truly magnificent! He enabled me to do what I could not do on my own and gave me the wisdom to do what I could do. That is the very story of my life.
Circumstances have always been much bigger than myself, resulting in sheer desperation for a touch from heaven. He has always been faithful. Even in my doubting.
I got a bit side- tracked but how can you not with what I have had to walk through. This particular incident, like many others just leaves me speechless.
I was driving home after leaving a fitness class like I normally do. Looking forward to replenishing myself after a vigorous workout ultimately anxious to get home.
I went about it taking the same turns I typically do on a Monday. I drive with caution, always have. I am all about slowing down to enjoy the journey, never really in a rush to get anywhere.
I approached a four way stop. I came to a complete stop, watching another car arrive slightly after me.
I thought we had an understanding of driving basics, so I proceeded. Unbeknownst to me, she would keep proceeding.
My eyes were forward but my right eye was looking out of my prorifeal vision. I saw her and I saw where I was headed. I also saw that she was headed towards me.
In my mind, I honked on the horn, stopped on the brakes and even yelled hey stop, but there was no time to even perform any of those reactions.
All the while, I sat perfectly calm in the driver’s seat, knowing full well that she was likely to hit me.
Sure enough it happened. I spun half a circle in the road and came to a stop. I didn’t embrace the wheel as if I were holding on.
It was normal. She immediately got out of her car, to ask if I was okay. And I was completely in tact! Not only physically but mentally and emotionally. I wasn’t shaken up and I felt like I had no response. Everything went peaceful, from the conversation with the police to our departure. I remember coming home and talking my friend not fully understanding why didn’t I have a more dramatic response? I questioned myself like something must be wrong with me.
Maybe it was because of all the trauma I have already endured? Maybe I have no adrenal glands left. Yes I went there!!
This questioning went on for several days, until I just couldn’t reason with myself anymore. Then it dawned on me! It was the peace of God that goes beyond All comprehension.
Try as I might, I wasn’t figuring this one out because a spiritual concept will never make sense to a logical brain.
Even though, it was an accident. It did not catch God off guard. He was not surprised. In fact his prescense was right there waiting for me.
He didn’t prevent the accident from happening, he did preserve my mind, heart and soul.
He is so good and so faithful. Even when we are not. I am so grateful his peace was with me that day and every day here after.
I refuse to live in fear of driving or being on the road. That is exactly what trauma will do; prevent you from living life.
That is just what kind of business God is all about. He never said we wouldn’t have hard times, he said he would be with us through them all. Of this I am certain and this is where my confidence remains So I’m not sure what you are going through but I know the Lord does. I know that he is a man of his word. I pray that you experience the same kind of peace that passes all understanding!!
So many memories wrapped up with a pretty little bow Who knew then they would be such a gift to bestow? Like the flames of a flickering candle, with one breath the light goes out Are the moments shared with loved ones, is what the season is about
I say a prayer for those who Christmas doesn’t resemble any other Maybe you are newly single, or lost a parent of a brother My heart is heavy for you, I let out a weighted sigh Praying God would comfort all of your questions and your why’s
I know how quickly life is rearranged all within a moment No one asks your permission, yet this moment was chosen Yet at the end of every day, I still don’t understand I simply serve the one who knows every single plan
Cherish each one at your table, every gathering and social I’m only speaking from experience, not based on emotion Like the flame in the candle, it only takes one breath Love fearlessly, forgive often, enjoy the present and live without regret
This Christmas may look different, but far beneath the surface Is a gentle guiding light and soft voice, if you can’t hear please keep searching He is close to the brokenhearted, closer than any brother
My prayer is for whomever reading would feel a touch from grace A kiss upon your forehead; the warmth of an embrace To serve as a reminder that you are not alone May you sense his love this Christmas, reading from your phone♥️
IN DEEP WATERS 