Pain Management

Let’s talk about Pain. If there is anything I know in this life. James 1:2-4 “Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that it is the testing of your faith that produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

As humans living this life, we will all experience pain and joy. Sometimes we experience pain at the expense of others’ choices, while at other times it could be based on our very own decisions. Whether it be stemming from work pressure, financial responsibilities, childhood trauma, loss, fear of failure, fear of not measuring up to the expectations of society it is all around. Pain is not the problem, for we know we will experience it. The truth of the matter is, if we don’t deal with the pain, the pain will deal with us. 

Pain has the capacity to teach us many things. Steve Furtick exemplifies the lessons of pain very well in his sermon “The Power of Silence for Personal Growth. He states, “Pain has a way of revealing things that comfort never could. It exposes what is weak, refines what is strong and reveals what truly matters. Some of the most powerful growth happens in seasons of pain. Not because pain itself is good but because it forces a person to confront what they otherwise would ignore. “

If I had to develop a title for this blog  it would be PAIN Management.Pain is inevitable for each and every one of us but suffering is optional. It is how we chose to respond to pain that separates “the men from the boys” so to speak. Each of us holds something quite valuable, which can not be shaken. It is unique to all of us. What is it? Perception. How pain is perceived

will either break you or build you, make you bitter or make you better, cause you to confront or avoid. There are choices around every corner. Only you decide how to perceive it. One thing for certain; pain is necessary for growth. Perspective changes the outcome. The way a person perceives their pain will shape what they become because of it. 

  I am not speaking from a place of uncertainty however from a place of experience and learning how to be resilient. I have learned to ask, what can I learn about myself in this season of pain? How can I grow through it ? How can I confront it head on? Being comfortable has never been an option for me. I have seen the devastation of losing both of my brothers and my father to suicide. Simply put; they did not know how to deal with pain. 

As a sibling and a daughter; I learned by observation. What not to do and how to make more intentional decisions because of it. Through this I learned a great deal about myself. One of the greatest victories is that pain is the gateway for transformation. I no longer run from pain but often embrace it. Knowing fully that when I cooperate with the process; it will remove distractions, strip away what is unnecessary and sharpen my focus. I also learned to become unshakeable. Steve Furtick summarized this when he said – “The most unshakable people are not the ones who have never suffered .They are the ones who have suffered and still chose to keep going”. I keep moving forward. One direction, razor sharp focus on what pain has taught me and the burden to help others. It has created a fire in my soul, designed for impact. 

If you bear with me, you will learn from some of the inventory I have surveyed along the way. It came at  a great cost. Having loved and having lost. However, nothing will be wasted. Let him who has ears hear what the spirit is saying. I pray that you would be challenged, comforted and inspired to embrace pain and allow it to build you.

Pain- Prison or Pursuit? 

Psalms 51:6 Behold, you desire truth in the innermost being. And in the hidden part of my heart you will make wisdom to me (amplified)

Now one of the benefits of being a woman is that I am relational to my very core. Women talk, women share, we even use the ladies room in groups. So what would that say about the Lord? 

He longs for intimacy- into-me-see. Think about when he created Adam and Eve, their purpose was to his creation and commune with him. That was his intent. It still has not changed.

I’d like to share a story with you that quite simply could have taken my very life. It was in the early hours of the morning on June 16, 2014. My father had spent the weekend in Long Beach Island for his birthday. The purpose was to catch fluke. Long story short, he ended up at a bar later on in the evening hours. He proceeded to go outside and have a cigarette. While he was out there, there was some kind of dispute with the busboy, who was only 16 years of age. In his state of drunkenness, he pulled out a knife on the boy.  My father was arrested, fortunately no one was hurt. 

The next morning was Father’s day, My brother Rob and I were going to spend some time fluke fishing with him. So I arrived excited for what’s to come. As I pull up towards the street I see my brother and my fathers girlfriend standing outside. They looked as though they had seen a ghost. I got out of the car and greeted them. Then asked, “Where is Daddy?” They began to inform me of the story I shared with you. Apparently the police wanted to know if this was typical behavior of my father. I snickered under my breath and said, “Well when there is alcohol involved with him anything can happen. So yes it is quite predictable.”  

None the less, Rob and I stayed and fished together, while his girlfriend went to pick him up. Later on in the evening I sent my father a text. Wishing him a happy birthday and a Happy Father’s day. He responded graciously. There was nothing that could prepare me for what was to come in the morning.

I was getting ready for work, at the time I worked at a pre-school and had 15 smiling faces anxiously awaiting to greet me. My father finally called. His voice was quite broken. He said I really did it this time. I’m into some deep trouble.
I responded, “I know Dad but your bail was set low so I wouldn’t anticipate anything super harsh. I assured him we would get through this together. I explained how it could be a turning point.” He replied, “You know I love you. I said of course. I love you too”

After hanging up with him, I toiled with myself. I just couldn’t shake the thought that he was going to kill himself. I started typing a text. I said Dad I’m truly worried about you. I am not sure if its the trauma of losing Rick to suicide but i feel like you are going to do the same thing.”

He responded to the text with a phone call and left a voice message. I was in the shower. When I got out of the shower, I saw a missed call, so I called him back. 

The desperation is in his voice, he cried I am so sorry Nikki. Take care of Liz. Then he hung up. I dropped to my knees and immediately called 911 to get to his house, followed by a phone call to my grandfather asking him to go to his  house and leave my grandma at home. 

My father, being the strategic intelligent man who he was, made a phone call to the police letting them know where his body would be found. He was found at a lake, holding my brother’s ashes in his hand, with a bullet through his brain. 

The aftermath of this day brought and still does carry so much weight. Suicide is awful but when you lose a parent it is a different can of worms. It’s personal, very personal. As a result I had some tough choices to make. Would I remain in prison with the lies of rejection or would I pursue healing based on the word of God. At this point I had already pursued inner healing for childhood trauma.Therefore I knew what to do and who to run to. The truth. The truth that God desires in the innermost parts. 

One of the bars that locked my heart was the weight of being the last person to speak to him. He left that burden on me. For whatever sick kind of reason he trusted me with that information. It made me so angry after all of the damage that occurred already. The final blow was to leave this burden. Take care of his girlfriend?? 

Grief is a grueling process. I remember sitting in front of the mirror getting ready completely broken. Feeling like I was not going to make it through. The Holy Spirit – quiet and confident said “Greater is he who is me than he who is in the world. “

God is also a pursuer! He will hunt us down to be embraced with his love. It was during my private moments with God that gave me the courage to stand publicly. Let’s face it, suicide is not something spoken about, especially in church. I knew I needed to hear from him and only him. He is the only source that can heal my soul. 

One particular morning, I was talking with him and said, “But God I was the last one to speak to him. “ He quietly whispered back, “I was the last one there”. What freedom I felt. What comfort I experienced. He removed the burden and put it on himself, as only he could. 

Step 1: Acknowledge the truth and take it to him. 

What’s truly in there

We often think God knows everything, what is the point in sharing. The point of a relationship is it works both ways. You share, he listens. You listen. He responds. It is basic humanity. The point of sharing is to then receive the truth. The only truth. 

This is the pursuit. Pursuing an intimate relationship with the father. I can say that all I have gone through caused me to have a deeper relationship with him. I am fearless because of how he fearlessly loves me. It came from pursuit. Now I could have very easily remained behind prison bars, holding onto the lie that I somehow had power or was at fault. But I had to acknowledge the truth in my innermost being to him. God is as close to you as you want him to be

I’m sure we all have scars in this room. Deep things hidden in our hearts that we have never told a soul. Not even God. This is your moment. Shame says “If others knew the truth about me, no one would love me. “ Something I learned in Shelter through the Storm of Sexual Abuse. Freedom says, I love you with an everlasting love. David was referred to as a man after God’s own heart. As you look into the Psalms, you will see that David did not hide his truest self from God. He shared it all! Jesus would also go off to quiet places to spend time with his father. 

These times they both shared were private and alone. Have you ever thought about the sound of a whisper? In order to hear a whisper, you would have to be quiet and close.  I invite you to examine your heart  allowing the precious love of the father to enter into your pain, enter into the shame  and wait quietly until he speaks. He is here. The healer is here. He won’t force you. You can stay in Prison if you would like. It is your choice. Freedom is a much better path and a significant hope for your future.

Approval or Affirmation

Just imagine you just applied for a credit card to get your 20 percent discount. You’re standing at the counter, handing over all of your credentials, social security number, blood type etc. All to get the sale price. Finally your information is run through. You read the very words you long to hear. Approved!!

Okay maybe I’m the only one who does this. who Am I kidding? We have all been there. Desperate times call for desperate measures especially when a grocery cart is the most expensive vehicle to own.

Some of our most basic needs for love 2 words that ring clear are the needs for acceptance and affirmation. While they sound quite similar, they are very unique. Approval is heavily upon the opinion we desire to hear from a specific person. Affirmation encourages you to do more, it motivates you to grow, reflect and love generously. 

Simply put, the family unit reflects God’s design, and our understanding of love, trust, and security often stems from the relationship we have with our parents. In a healthy home, where acceptance and affirmation are present, it’s easier to comprehend God’s love and role as a father. Acceptance makes us feel valued, while affirmation pushes us to grow and love generously. These foundational experiences shape who we are and how we relate to God.

When we seek approval of others we may change according to their opinions.  This is unhealthy behavior because it is quite manipulative and based out of fear. 

Unmet needs make a person sick. What that looked like for myself and each of my siblings was quite different. Our same sex parent often is the one in which we validate ourselves, testing to see if we measure up to them. 

My response to my fathers lack of intimacy with the family was to aim to not stir the pot. I walked on eggshells figuring if I was good enough I would be noticed. I excelled because of it. I took a good long look at him and decided I didn’t need his approval. I made my own decisions at  a young age. I did not accept his hateful ways for God had brought me to safety in a small Baptist church. I received Christ as my savior at the age of 5. 

My life had changed. I was invited to church each week with the family down the street. I found love and relationships. Genuine love. It was dull in comparison to my father, so I decided I didn’t need him. He was not emotionally available anyways. 

My oldest brother Rob longed for my father’s approval. I saw it to his very own detriment. Growing up my father had a very hateful heart. It was kind of like hitler in a sense. If you need to meet his criteria then well you were just wrong and unacceptable.He bonded with other men who thought like he did. At the very heart of it all is just looking to belong to a group because you were a misfit in your own family. We see it all the time.  Kids in gangs etc. Except when there are young children involved. 

Children will mirror their parents. Rob emulated whatever my father did because he wanted his stamp of approval. This led him to join a gang, get an inappropriate Tattoo on his back and engage in racial violence. We were sitting at home gathered around the TV watching the local news. We were shocked to see that one of our very own neighbors’ homes had A cross burning on their lawn, as well as gun shots fired at their house. All in the name of love. Rob acted just as surprised as we were until the FBI showed up at our house. 

For Rob, he was never able to get what he so longed for from my father. In the end the anger, resentment, rejection overtook him. He picked up heroin as a means to cope in his early 20’s.. He climbed the scale similar to many others who have gone before their time. He met his match with heroin. He fought tirelessly for 20 years. His moments of sobriety were precious to us. He would learn and grow so much, anxious to share his truth with us. My mom and I supported every step of his recovery. When he would fall, we would fall. When he would rise, we would rise. My father was not available to him during much of this. 

I will never forget my 21st birthday. My father and I shared a birthday. June 14th, we went to a local restaurant and shared a  meal and wine. While we were there, Rob was pursuing recovery. He knew to stay away from people, places and things. He proudly walked in with a birthday card in hand for my father. He left early because he knew he could not handle being in that environment. When he got up, my father angrily rose up and scolded him for not staying longer to celebrate his birthday.  Rob left defeated and crying. 

I rose to the occasion on my brother’s behalf and got in my fathers face and screamed! What is wrong with it!! How can you not see that all he wants is your approval! I said a few other choice words, not church appropriate but that was my brother I was defending. I would not sit silent. I wasn’t afraid of him and in that moment I knew I could not only speak up for myself, but others as well. 

It wasn’t long after that I severed the relationship with my father, in pursuit of inner healing. I had come to the realization that he was just not healthy. Truth be told he was incredibly narcissistic and incapable of love. I wasn’t going to continue to subject myself to such destruction and I decided I was going to show my brothers a better way of living. 

Here I am years later observing the damage. I remember a conversation I had with God, I asked how can one man cause so much destruction? His response was that his only son caused so much  victory! It overtook the darkness. God has a remedy for every wound. There is so much that I have learned that I desire to share but for time sake we have to move on.

Where my father lacked approval, my mom came in swinging with affirmation. Like a batter in a box, her support was bar none a home-run. Her faith, her commitment, devotion and conviction, caused me to follow her. I followed her as she followed God and healing. God was changing her! This was my game-changer. Her belief in God and me was bigger than any mountain I could ever climb. This helped me to translate the love of my father. 

When you are around people that love you fearlessly, you walk away feeling like you could do anything you ever wanted. Anything was possible! That’s how the love of God is! Right down to the heart of a mother. 

Belief is a powerful thing when you trust the source that is affirming you. This trust was so child- like because I knew her love for me was genuine. I trusted that she would not steer me wrong. She set the parameters for my inner healing. She taught me how to seek help. She continues to do so to this very day! And because of my relationship with her I fell into surrender, into submission. It was never forceful, gentle as the breeze. 

When I know who I am as a child of God, there is no demon in hell that could scare or intimidate me. When I caught hold of that God birthed a dream inside of me. I was in my early 20’s. It filled me with joy, hunger,expectation and vision. I said ok, Let’s table that one God. Put it on the shelf to store for a bit. All the while I was serving kids, with this dream in my heart, longing that just didn’t make sense. But God spoke it, so it was true. Whatever he says, will come to pass. That’s just the way it goes. 

What I understand now, that I didn’t understand in my 20’s is that, that dream would cost me everything I have. Everything I thought made sense, and hoped or  believed ended up not the way I would have planned or for saw. It wasn’t a lack of faith, rather it was accepting what had happened. I had to process all of the grief, resentments, disappointments. All of these things buried my dream. Or so I thought. It never died!

Here I am at 45 years of age, the most alive I have ever been. Desperate and thirsty to share my pain and growth with you. It would be a total loss, to work through so much and not share with you how good God is.  I am not ashamed of my pain, I am not ashamed of the Gospel either ! It has resurrecting power. It is not by fate that I am here. I’ve had every devil in hell try to rob me of my destiny. Neither is God. God walked with me every step of the way. 

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled it is a tree of life. 

God is no respecter of persons, what he has done for me. He can do it for you.  But you have to trust him with your whole heart. At the end of this life he will be the only one whose approval you need. 

Rest assured you already have it. It’s already there. You have to believe what he says. His word says, “Who precious are your thoughts towards me, how vast is the sum of them. If I were to count them one by one, they would outnumber the grains of sand. “ Psalms 139: David knew the truth about how much God loved him. He accepted it too. 

You are the dream God had on his mind when he created you. He downloaded everything you need to be who you are. When you compare yourselves to one another you do a disservice to him. It’s like a painting arguing with the painter. The painter knows in secret exactly what he desires. It’s when the design is complete it becomes alive. 

God had you on his mind when you were formed in your mother’s womb. In spite of any negative circumstance or issue you weren’t brought here by default. It was not plan B. It starts with your internal dialogue. God has given you everything he could ever offer. The choice is yours to accept the truth or oppose. I would advise you not to be the judge in your story but to trust in his word.

Everything starts with your belief system and what you believe to be true. Your beliefs become, thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny. It all starts with your internal beliefs. For today say: 

I believe I am loved. I believe that God created me unique according to his plan. I am accepted, I am approved. He loved me so much that he sent his son to die in my place. I lack nothing, I am complete and made in his image.

Intention or Institution

An intention is a plan or idea that you want to carry out, or a determination to act in a curtain way. All paths should lead to Jesus, the only way. The way he spoke, his gate when he walked. Can you imagine if he were here right now? It’s how you perceive or learn about him that becomes the message. Our attitudes, our choices, our character. Everything should come from the direction of his heart. 

What I admire the most about him, his will. Now I’ve always been strong-willed, stubborn or called rebellious. It’s simple conviction. When that conviction is centered around him, my intention becomes my destiny. He is the epitome of character. I want to be just like him! If my intention does not line up next to his, it’s wrong. He is our mirror. When we take a glance in the mirror, we are not looking for perfection. We are looking to mature to become more like him. It’s growth we are after on this side of heaven. If my character looks the same in ten years, please arrest me. It simply means I’ve stopped searching. 

If he had told me what I know now, I would have never survived. I continue to trust the process. He is an architect. I do not think that for one moment he looked away. Perhaps I have taken my eyes off of him for a moment. 

Have you ever played remember when? With people you are close to? Well I play this game with friends and it’s just hysterical. I got to thinking about my remember whens with God, When you are friends with someone, connected deeply, they share very intimate and personal things. 

Things that are not meant to be shared with others. He has shared so many things with me about the direction of my life. Just recently I said remember when God said…If he said it I know it’s true. I’m convicted 100 percent. Cash it all in. He said it will happen. You know when you are friends with someone, they help prepare you for the storm. That’s just what he did and continues to do. Every storm that came in my life, came with a warning. Heads up, prepare for this. I just want you to know that I see what’s coming. So get ready. Like a woman giving birth, he runs alongside and then begins coaching you to get you through. He always provides. 

What could get in the way of this friendship? A four letter word. Pride. This word holds so much power. If you put your pride before pain you would head for a pitfall. If I have learned a thousand times over is that the only way out is through. A woman doesn’t stop laboring in the middle of things. She pushes through the pain until that baby is in her arms. The pain is so great, so deep soon to be replaced with the joy of her deliverance. Simply put, our nature allows us to push through pain. It is literally the way it was designed. Just like our father. Now remember we both came from him, Out of the same heart, but we war differently. We need intimacy for delivery. The secret to getting out pain is letting someone in and allowing them to help walk you through it. That’s what makes us resilient. 

If pride comes before dealing with it, then that’s it, there is no joy. Nothing is re-born. We just die in pain. If I had placed my will before God’s, I simply would not be here. I had to lay down my will and accept the losses. They just kept coming. I just kept surrendering. All the while looking more and more like him. It’s not shameful to suffer. It is unbearable to do it alone.  

Pride would say. I got this. I can handle it on my own. Actually I know a better way. We know what the word says about pride, it comes just before a fall.

Let’s get back to intention. There is a powerful man in the bible who laid out a beautiful demonstration of intention. He didn’t handle the secret the father gave him and as a result, it landed him in the pit. He was once adorned with a coat of many colors, highly favored among his brothers. Joseph! His own family threw him into the pit probably because he flaunted his dream in front of others like a peacock. Proud as can be. God showed him that one day through dreams. I am so glad that Joseph was a dreamer. I can usually be found with my head in the clouds also, always dreaming. But when God gives you a dream, it won’t relent. It is sealed like a covenant, a binding agreement. 

Can you imagine being in the pit, how dark it must have been. The thought of a shower, how he probably longed to be clean. Yet there he was. He had every right to be angry, he had every right to forfeit. That wasn’t the plan and he understood it very well. Like Joseph I understand the plan God has on the inside of me. There is a dream. It is the very  dream that keeps my heart alive. 

Jesus was also a dreamer. In fact so much that he set his intention to follow that path, right up to the very end. Was it fair? Never. It’s not our will but his. Are my losses fair? Surely not but if I exchange what I thought should have happened, I refuse to accept the gift of surrendering my will. Joseph’s pain led him to the palace, Jesus’ pain led him to die on the cross for our eternity. I am in good company. Loss is a place of birth, when you surrender to it. 

How do we know when it’s from God? Our hearts can be quite deceitful. So much that we can’t even trust ourselves. If it doesn’t line up with his words, it’s not right. Life isn’t fair but this journey is not about us. Jesus demonstrated that so well. 

What can stop us?Our pride. It sounds like I’m fine, everything is fine. While all the while deep on the inside, you just coast along like the status quo. If you tell yourself this long enough, you will believe it. As one who has experienced a lot of trauma, the I’m fine is a coping mechanism. It’s meant to be for a time. Then you look back into the mirror and realize, wait a minute I stopped growing. This is not fine.

At that point our minds suddenly become an institution and it can and pain then is managed. In fact I began to measure my pain against my pain, denying my feelings in the process. You have to be fine to survive in this world. No one is coming to pay your bills for you. It’s work, it’s discipline,  you can easily become institutionalized. This very framework should never be a measuring tool to settle into comfort. Our measuring tools will be replaced by comparing ourselves to each other rather than looking internally. You know me syndrome. Why am i so different, what’s in this for me, what do i get out of this, i deserve more, etc, etc. This is the pain of pride that shouldn’t be managed. You weren’t born to look or have someone else’s identity.

Free your mind and the rest will follow. God created you with great purpose. My purpose was birthed out of pain. I’m not sure what your story is. We all have one. We all share the same human experiences: pain and joy, despair and hope, faith and doubt. The list goes on and on. Only you have the power to unlock your mind. You hold the key to opening the prison door to set your intentions. Ask yourself; Do they line up with God’s view of who he says I am? If not it is your perception that needs attention. You can’t set it from a place of brokenness or defeat. It has to come from a place of victory. It lives in his word. Daily. Meditate, dream about it, draw from it. It has the power to arrest every lie that any situation has set itself up against you. You decide if you want to live in the confines of your limited mind or set your intentions with e the one who created you. Don’t let pain and circumstance lie to you. I would have never known my own strength if I didn’t face such adversity. Some of us are strong because being strong was the only feasible option. Running from pain, avoiding it are all just distractions from actual purpose. I had to confront them head on because they didn’t line up with my intention. Control your narrative of the story and don’t let the opinions or judgements of others tell it for you.

Notable or Negative?

Let’s talk about the script that runs in your mind daily. The greatest relationship you will very have is the one whom you spend the most time with. Who is this fine specimen you ask? Well it’s you of course. Day in and day out your greatest relationship is the one you have with yourself. What your recording sounds like only you know, for no one has the power to get inside your mind and see your actual thoughts about yourself. What will reveal itself is the product that you put out. Whether you have a positive outlook on life will ultimately determine your path. 

“As a man thinketh in his heart; so is he” Proverbs 23:7 

There was an actual scientific experiment that proved this very analogy. There were 2 plants set aside for growth. They both received sun and water. What was different is that the caretaker spoke positively over one plant and hurled insults at the other. The proof was in the growth. The plant who was affirmed grew, whereas the other one slowly died. 

We are much more intelligent than species of plants. We have the capacity to choose what we listen to or even greater what we believe to be true of ourselves. “Finally, [a]believers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things [center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart].” – Philippians 4:8

Your thoughts. Are they notable? Are they worthy of self respect? Do you depreciate your own value when circumstances say otherwise. We often confuse the problem with ourselves, allowing it to contaminate what is inside. Oftentimes the problem is the problem. Quite frankly you may not be the problem, so don’t allow situations to dirty or jeopardize your real value. Your real value is not dependent on what is outward. Oftentimes the enemy would have us get distracted by situations to lose sight of the internal work God is doing within us. You may not be the issue after all. It could just be your thoughts. 

Next time you encounter a situation ask yourself:

Is this a reflection of me?

Does this determine my worth?

Am I allowing this so much power in my mind to let it define me?

If you answered yes to any of these; the problem is the problem. Don’t let it inside. The truth is the truth. Never changing. That is and can only be found in the audience and the opinion of one. One God. His voice ought to be heard over all the others for he is the only one that is unchanging. Situations change, peoples opinions change, their perception of you will change based on their own needs. His? Will never let you down. Will always fill you with power and encouragement. 

In closing I encourage you to write down your dream. 

“Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. 3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it will linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.”-

 Habakkuk 2:2

If it doesn’t line up with your dream then it isn’t notable. It is simply unworthy of your time, devotion, attention etc. It is simply a set up for you not to reach your full potential. Like the plant, feed yourself good thoughts. Think of positive things that fill you with life, power and passion. Only you have the power to choose. Remember the greatest relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. Don’t pick up the phone if it is not worthy of your time, energy or talent.