It is Well

Phillipians 4:7

       The Bible speaks of peace that passes all understanding. Phillipians 4:7 “And the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your thoughts and your minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”

It’s not the kind of peace that you have after basking in the sun for hours. Don’t get me wrong I fully enjoy that kind of rest. Especially this week after going for an entire week with no sun in sight!!

The peace that is written about to me occurred so prevalent  during an incident that occurred earlier this week.
       I am no foreigner to stress, worry and anxiety which is the complete polar opposite of peace. In fact peace is so valuable the Bible also instructs us in quite a few verses of how we can accomplish this feat.

One of the examples in which I am drawn to is the direct, simple, and bottom line version in Psalms 34: 14″turn away from evil and do good, Seek peace and pursue it”. Seems simple right?

What about when you are at home making dinner, exhausted from the 45 tasks you already completed and the news is on.

Okay so you are probably hungry, tired and wore out. A set up for disaster as it is. Defenses are weakened on every possible level.  I can think of one thing that might benefit you and it’s clearly not the news.

Look around, it’s mayhem as soon as you leave your house. People not knowing how to drive or when to stop at 4 way stop signs and simply take turns.

   I have had an incredible amount of peace over the last 3 years, but this incident seemed so profound.

Let me give you some history here. For 20 years of my life, the weight and stress of watching my brothers Rob and Rick battle their demons with substance abuse was absolute torment.

I’ve got news for you. I have quoted every scripture, prayed a million prayers, shed a lot of tears and provided much emotional support. Things would be good for a while but with the demon of heroin, it’s not quite that simple.

I’ve never done it and I can tell you I don’t ever need to. I have seen it personally with Rob so many times. He fought tirelessly! I certainly thought that if anyone could overcome it, it was him. He had the gusto!!

It was the moments in between his sober periods,  It was basically everyday. Every phone conversation with my mom revolved around him and our concern. As sure as I’m sitting  here, I can not tell you how to have peace in that situation. I never did!!

I always had angst, waiting for the bomb to drop as it usually did. God would prepare me for the times either through a dream  an internal knowing etc.

I remember one day driving and talking with God: “Lord this is hell. Watching someone you love struggle with this disease is Hell on Earth”.

Like a good father, he quietly reminded me  ” this is the only hell you will ever see”

Having said; this merry go round went on for 20 years. Many ups and many downs, sure some laughter because you gotta laugh to keep from crying. Every one of his victories were ours as well as the relapses.

The overdoses and phone calls from police simply took my breath away. Partly because of knowing Rob’s potential. He was a leader. He would walk into a room, all eyes would be on him. Others listened when he spoke because he spoke with conviction.

On this side of heaven we lost the war. It didn’t end well and as a result he did end of taking his life.
   The moments following his death as well as my other brother Rick’s death were blurry.

  Just walking like a robot through life, completely numb, etc. However the weight of worry was gone. And I gotta tell you, I felt wierd without it.

I had lived with that fear for 20 years! That is exactly half of my life.
Just a few short months after Rob’s passing, I recieved another devastating blow and was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer.

Was I scared?  Totally a loaded question: I was and knew that  I had to put on my brave face and walk it out.

During that season of looking  for doctors and praying over decisions;both my  husband and I had peace. He even said to me ‘I feel guilty for having peace. Like I should be more upset or worried”.

I reassured him that it wouldn’t serve a purpose to worry.

I also had a level of peace, I wasn’t panicking about doctors, surgeries etc, I dove into the prescense of God.

It helped, as I was completely worn out from grief. I had decided that if I was going in for surgery, I would be a light and would radiate the love of God wherever I went; to whomever I encountered
  So I sit here 3 years from not having to worry about Rob and his battle with heroin and 10 years from my brother Rick’s tragic death who also struggled with addiction and depression. 

These losses were tough and certainly  very tragic. None the less; I had a storm of my own to face.

My own giant to conquer.  Tired and worn out, I had to dig deep. Kinda like going out to fish for clams. You have to roll up the bottom of your jeans and get your hands dirty.

It was worth it! God provided me with peace and joy everyday!! I also had to protect what he had bestowed upon me by not tending to negative voices, not falling prey to the news, endulging in silly monotonous things.

All as a defense to protect my peace. God’s grace is truly magnificent! He enabled me to do what I could not do on my own and gave me the wisdom to do what I could do. That is the very story of my life.

Circumstances have always been much bigger than myself, resulting in sheer desperation for a touch from heaven. He has always been faithful. Even in my doubting.

  I got a bit side- tracked but how can you not with what I have had to walk through. This particular incident, like many others just leaves me speechless.

I was driving home after leaving a fitness class like I normally do. Looking forward to replenishing myself after a vigorous workout ultimately anxious to get home.

I went about it taking the same turns I typically do on a Monday. I drive with caution, always have. I am all about slowing down to enjoy the journey, never really in a rush to get anywhere.

I approached a four way stop. I came to a complete stop, watching another car arrive slightly after me.

I thought we had an understanding of driving basics, so I proceeded. Unbeknownst to me, she would keep proceeding.

My eyes were forward but my right eye was looking out of my prorifeal vision. I saw her and I saw where I was headed. I also saw that she was headed towards me.

In my mind, I honked on the horn, stopped on the brakes and even yelled hey stop, but there was no time to even perform any of those reactions.

All the while, I sat perfectly calm in the driver’s seat, knowing full well that she was likely to hit me.

Sure enough it happened. I spun half a circle in the road and came to a stop. I didn’t embrace the wheel as if I were holding on.

It was normal. She immediately got out of her car, to ask if I was okay. And I was completely in tact! Not only physically but mentally and emotionally. I wasn’t shaken up and I felt like I had no response.
   Everything went peaceful, from the conversation with the police to our departure. I remember coming home and talking my friend not fully understanding why didn’t I have a more dramatic response? I questioned myself like something must be wrong with me.

Maybe it was because of all the trauma I have already endured? Maybe I have no adrenal glands left. Yes I went there!! 

This questioning went on for several days, until I just couldn’t reason with myself anymore. Then it dawned on me! It was the peace of God that goes beyond All comprehension.

Try as I might, I wasn’t figuring this one out because a spiritual concept will never make sense to a logical brain.

  Even though, it was an accident. It did not catch God off guard. He was not surprised. In fact his prescense was right there waiting for me.

He didn’t prevent the accident from happening, he did preserve my mind, heart and soul.

He is so good and so faithful. Even when we are not. I am so grateful his peace was with me that day and every day here after.

I refuse to live in fear of driving or being on the road. That is exactly what trauma will do; prevent you from living life.

That is just what kind of business God is all about. He never said we wouldn’t have hard times,  he said he would be with us through them all. Of this I am certain and this is where my confidence remains
   So I’m not sure what you are going through but I know the Lord does. I know that he is a man of his word. I pray that you experience the same kind of peace that passes all understanding!!

Be blessed.