Leave out all the Rest

If you had the pleasure of knowing Rob, you knew you get 2 things: a serious dose of sarcasm and the worst possible scenario for any and every situation. He loved to gossip and get the juice on others. One thing I admired about him was his raw and sometimes cutting honesty. 


We battled so much throughout our lives. I viewed his as my protector. Number one he was big and number two he was intimidating. We learned a lot about each other in the days following our brother and father’s tragic death by suicide. Tried to make sense of it all, put the pieces of the puzzle together, reminisce, etc. I was well versed in creative expression, which greatly assisted in my road to cope. 


What is to be said about coping skills? Well, if you have them in any sense, including spiritual beliefs, outlets, hobbies, expressing yourself, it develops resiliency. But what happens when you already are fighting the demons of addiction and a storm hits? Chances are you will run to what you are used to when faced with pain. Sometimes its food, shopping, exercise, but what happens when it’s drugs or alcohol. I can tell you sure as I’m sitting here, I have never seen anything good come from either drugs or alcohol. Truly these habits catch up with you. I am by no means perfect. I run to retail therapy and a host of other things. I just never crossed that line of dabbing into serious drugs. I ran to medical professionals to help with a chemical imbalance in my brain. The invisible disease that says to others, “Well she looks fine. So, everything is okay”. 


Truth is it takes work. Accepting the fact that you need help is most important! When it all seems to be moving so fast and you are losing a grip, it’s time to step outside of yourself. This post is not about me or my skills rather my oldest brother Rob, who poignantly said, “If I ever lose this battle, don’t lie. I want people to know the truth”. I admired that tremendously. I sit here and type, I won’t lie. He picked up a deadly drug, which in the end robbed him of a future. Heroin. He fought tirelessly for 20 years. Falling, getting back up. Repeatedly. In the end, he did take his own life intentionally, I sincerely believe if he didn’t pick up that drug in the first place, we wouldn’t be here anticipating his birthday tomorrow as he is now in heaven. 


Loss is hard. It’s devastating. We lost Rick in 2012 to an intentional overdose. To some extent Rob bore a lot of that guilt being his older brother, wishing he had made different choices. Regret…. A dream killer. Fast forward to 2 years later, we face another tragedy. My father ended his life. We had a tough road ahead. What I had were great coping skills. Rob developed some but, ultimately his addiction won out in the end. During the last years of his life, he overdosed at least 6 times. Twice behind the wheel of a car. It would be easy for any passerby to cast judgement. But if you spoke to him and got behind the events, you may understand what would thrust someone into destructive behavior. Numb it. Numb the pain. Kill it. You don’t want to face it. It’s a lot to bear. Your father, the one who gave your life decided to leave. 


You can try to bury the pain, but it will bury you if you don’t express it. This is difficult, especially for men who are expected to be strong, provide, protect, etc. My heart goes out to the men. Women share. We share everything from bathroom experiences to new bras. It’s how we were built. So, on behalf of my brother Rob and countless other men who have lost the battle to mental illness, addiction, tragedy or loss, I’m here to tell you it’s okay to not be okay. We were designed to need another. In honor of Rob’s 45th birthday tomorrow I want to share his story. Not to make your heart heavy but to tell you always have choice. No one can take that from you. I encourage you to talk about your pain. Find a support group, anonymous if you must but please for the love of God don’t bear it on your own. We are in this together. With each other we can do great things, like heal. 


Happy birthday in Heaven brother. Thank you for fighting as long and as hard as you did. You helped so many people in your path. Your light shone brightly, touched so many people’s lives. Like the lyrics in the song, “leave out all the rest”, we remember your battles, but we remember your perseverance. Until we meet again. Love you. 


Sincerely 


“grasshopper”