Christmas, a time filled with lights laughter, exchanging of gifts, sharing family recipes and so much more. Am I the only one who felt hollow this year during Christmas and a pandemic? The hustle and bustle of the holidays came to a screeching halt, we turned to Amazon and creative websites in attempts to stay safe during the holidays. I’m not sure about you, but it was more than difficult for me. Granted, I had so much to be thankful for, yet so much sorrow. And this dichotomy is the constant state that I live in. It comes with ease at other moments, then at others its it completely breathtaking. When dealing with issues of the heart, it is extremely complex. Scripture tells us in Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things and is beyond cure. Who can understand it?”
Beyond cure? Deceitful? Who can understand it? It seems to me that we can’t even understand ourselves, we can deceive ourselves. Pretty cool huh! This is where wisdom comes into play, if we can’t even understand ourselves, where do we go when we experience these painful moments. We will all have them at some point in our lives. It is not the pain that’s the problem, it’s how to deal with it.
For the last 40 years, I have trained with some serious resistance in the emotional and spiritual sense. Nothing has been easy! Sounds inspiring huh! Wish I Could say better, but I would be deceiving myself. There has always been resistance and like a well-trained athlete, I pick it up and show up to confront. I don’t ask questions, just lift, keep going, keep pushing. Feelings? They don’t matter, because you gotta push. Push those aside and dig deep. I have dug so deep to stand that I have probably created a fort foot hole beneath my feet.
Fast forward to 3 weeks post- Christmas, 7 weeks post breast surgery, a year and half post my oldest brother’s death, 6 years post my father’s death and 8 years post my other brothers’ death. Prior to those experiences was fighting for my own mental health and battles with depression. Trauma, after trauma, after trauma. You know the song time after time, my story is a bit different.
So, you face all of this, you survived breast cancer, no need for radiation, chemotherapy, or hormone therapy. You got new perky boobs and a new lease on life. Circumstances would say, “You should be happy?” Happiness is fleeting, joy is eternal. I didn’t have either one. I struggled. No distractions, faced with social media posts of others completely blissful lives, and their picture-perfect Christmas. It just made it worse. I couldn’t run from the emotional pain, I don’t self-medicate, I couldn’t exercise, couldn’t come out of self- quarantine due to COVID. I caved. Not physically, but emotionally. I tanked. And for the first time in 40 years, I was ready to face the bar and pick it up. But it was empty. Nothing to fight for, all I felt was loss and an empty bar. What does a well-trained athlete do when the competitions are over? Even the knowledge of knowing I get to spend eternity with my loved ones, that Jesus died for me, all of the Christian logo couldn’t touch the pain. I was angry that my life had been so hard, angry that I did not have a better life and settling into my reality. Or at least for the moment.
I began to question every decision I made. Questioned my career choice, our choice to not bear children, our choice in where we live. So many choices. What I Knew deep on the inside, even in the midst of it all, is that feelings change. I was going through a hard season and it would pass. I struggled with thoughts of simply wanting to not be in pain. Not dying, but just wanting the pain to stop. A pain so deep that simply cannot be expressed nor comforted. I began to conjure up ideas like, let’s adopt or foster kids. Let’s open an orphanage. Let me look for a new job. Just trying to find something new and happy to cling to. All to escape the emotional abyss. Trying to find meaning for my life, do I have purpose, does it matter, do I make a difference, would others even notice if I were not here. These thoughts rang through my head. BUT I still had hope. Because deep, deep on the inside I know that God created me with purpose, and on purpose. Nothing in my life is a mistake. God has carried me this far and even when I can’t feel him, I know he is there. There is always hope for a brighter day with the Lord. I have walked down many lonely roads, but when I put my trust in him, he walks me through the pain and is there to comfort me. This is life. This has been my life. Totally dependent on my father. This season brought many emotions, I was angry at him and stood at a distance. I guarded my heart from him. I wanted to wallow. I wanted to self- loathe. I wanted my moment. Like any other good loving father, he allows it and patiently waits for us to return to his heart. He doesn’t force himself but desires for you to seek him.
Now that the darkness has sub-sided, I wonder how many feels like me? Maybe your situation is different, that’s okay. Brokenness and despair do not discriminate. Do you know your value? Do you know that the God of all the universe thinks you are amazing? That every hair on your head is counted! He cares that much. I share his burden as well because I also care and want you to know and experience the joy of knowing him. No matter what you have been through, no matter what you will face, he wants a relationship with you. Scars, flaws and all. Come to him as you are, right where you are. He wants to do life with you! Don’t deceive yourself into thinking you can do it on your own. You may be able too, but what if you didn’t have to?
IN DEEP WATERS 