Live Like You Are Dying

In honor of those who have fought or lost the battle to breast cancer. Screw you cancer!

The month of November means so many things to me. For many it marks important dates like election day or Thanksgiving. For myself, I honor and celebrate the life of my brother who passed at the young age of 33 and now I celebrate life! For it was during this time last year, in early November where I went for a mammogram and had to undergo some other uncomfortable procedures that determined I had DCIS; Stage 0 breast cancer in my left breast. Due to dense tissue, etcetera, ectara, you know the medical language, I would need to have a biopsy of some rather suspicious calcifications. Meanwhile I was still in the early stages of grieving the loss of my oldest brother Rob, who had passed in late June. 

            I felt like Stella who was trying to get her groove back. Every step I took felt unsteady and questionable. I questioned my confidence as an educator, as a wife, a friend, a daughter and so much unnecessary pressure on myself. Which really is who I am. As much I try to control my controlling, the worse it gets! The loss of my brother was the third, most devastating blow of my life. We had now lost three men in immediate family, all succumb and fall prey to addictions, struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. Within 7 years, we lost 3. It so hard for me to wrap my head around this, while I know it true, it’s still difficult to process. 

            Fast forward to November, I am literally just trying to keep my head above water, tackle the many open tabs at work and now process the fact that I had been diagnosed with Stage 0 breast cancer. If anyone has ever had a right to question God, I surely felt entitled. But what I have learned is really, it’s of no use or value to me to ask the whys. There are never really solid answers that would ease the pain in my heart but time and acceptance. A process that can be slow and grueling. 

            I received the news in a way that was like, well you have cancer, but you have the best kind. Each doctor I went to was excited that it was caught so early. I heard things like, if you have cancer this is the one you want. Don’t get me wrong, they didn’t lack compassion, but their enthusiasm for my diagnosis was like salt in a wound. Here I am thinking, do you even know what it takes for me to stand right now, even without this news? But okay I have the good cancer and its 100 percent survivable. I should have been relieved, but I really wasn’t. Truthfully, I didn’t want to put on another brave face because I was quite honestly tired of being brave. I have been brave for most of my life and it sucks.  You stand tall, protecting the emotions and feelings of others, suppressing your own until you go home to completely fall apart. I’m pretty sure I was angry. But none of that served me because I had a decision to make. Treatment. How and what way was I going to choose. My practical brain kicked into high gear and I basically narrowed down what I would absolutely refuse. Hormonal treatment was nothing something I was willing to consider. I preferred to skip radiation if possible and Hell to the No for Chemotherapy. So, in order to avoid all of those situations, I opted big. Take the boobs and give me new ones. 

            Another decision I opted for which saved me completely was gratitude. I chose to be thankful that this was caught early. I chose daily to remind myself and began to live like I was dying. Each day was and is a gift. A gift waiting to be unwrapped. When I say Live like your dying, I’m not implying the reckless kind of living that leads to unwanted consequences, but the kind of life where bitterness, anger, jealousy, unforgiveness, etc., have no hold. Not holding onto offenses and letting go of petty things to keep my eyes on the bigger picture. Easier said then done I suppose. What really matters, what truly matters is how you are doing on the inside when no one is truly watching. That’s the important stuff! Live like you are dying. 

Because like it or not, death is most certain. We will all die, and all have an appointed time for it. I want nothing more than to stand before my creator, my God, to say: Well done thy good and faithful servant. Let the opinions of others fall to the ground and live like you are dying. 

            It was really pretty simple. I knew what I didn’t want to doom which led to what I knew I needed to do for my best quality of life. Because sure as I’m sitting here typing and have lost much. I am determined to live my best life, my fullest life, to live like I’m living on borrowed time if you will. 

            There is no time like the present. In this present moment I am sitting in my cozy bean bag chair, with a side view of a beautifully lit Christmas tree. I am one day out from the final surgery to complete this whole journey. There are many, many thoughts that go on inside. Yet I choose not to linger on any singular one. Thoughts that don’t add value, serve no purpose so I have learned not to tend to them. Instead, I’m reflecting on how far I have come in the last year. Not only with grief and embracing my new body, but personal growth. The older I get the more secure in myself I am becoming and less tolerant of non-sense. I don’t have time to pretend or save face for anyone or anything. If you want the truth, I will serve it to you on a truth platter. We all know there is very little truth these days. We are so unsure of who to trust or who to believe. It has gotten bad. Not being able to trust others motives has been HUGE this year! Yet there is one motive, so pure, so true, so constant. What I didn’t get into detail earlier about was how okay I was with death. 

            Whether it was due to post traumatic stress, the losses, grief, expecting bad things or whatever, I had prepared myself and my husband as if I was not coming out on the other side of surgery. In the event that God forbid, something went wrong and there were complications, I wanted him to be secure in that I would want him to move on and to live a good life. Sometimes in life we need that green light. I was okay either way. Not saying that I wanted to die but I am comfortable with death because I know the one whom is true. His love is so good! His presence is home to me. None the less, not my will but his. I was surprised when I woke up on the other side of surgery, yet I was still ready to move on, with drainage tubes and all. 

            10 months later, I prepare to say goodbye to these horrific tissue expanders that have outworn their welcome. They have served a purpose in helping me to maintain my femininity to an extent however I am grateful to see them go and am ready to embrace the final phase of this chapter. I thank God for keeping me safe and healthy with little complications and trust that he will see me through to the other side. We strive our whole lives to find our purpose and I sit here and realize my purpose has found me. Just be! Just be okay with yourself whatever your circumstances are. Freedom is indeed a mindset. God has created you to live an abundant life, full of joy, peace, hope and faith. I am living in that fullness, and he is my strength for sure. I plan on enjoying the rest of my time, until he calls me. I plan to continue on to live like I am dying, full of life, purpose and passion. See you on the other side.