Father to the Fatherless: Psalms 68:5
As the day draws near, April 9th will be 3 years since losing my brother Rick. I will never forget the day, time or the hour that I received the phone call that would rock my world. To say that his death was tragic would be an understatement, as the hopes and dreams for his future would cease to exist. As I sit and type, it is saddening to think that he only lives in my memory on this temporal earth. The only peace I find is that when this life is over, we will be reunited eternally. Furthermore I am compelled to speak on his behalf, as he struggled with depression and drug addiction. An intentional overdose would determine the final moments of his life, as he so desperately escaped the pain that had him bound. I’ve learned to let go of the unanswered questions, whys, reasoning and logic because no answer would be sufficient! No answer would bring him back.
Since those days, I have come to the conclusion that the most important skill set one can acquire is the ability to cope with life at its own terms. We are all unique in our abilities to express our feelings thoughts and emotions, but it’s the how behind expression that could ultimately determine our fate. Fortunately for myself, I love to write, paint, draw, spend time in God’s presence and share my feelings with those whom I trust. They didn’t just appear; I had to work them out. It’s an intentional choice! And a painful one at that, but pretending that I’m okay will just never work as we all have our breaking point which can be seen in the intentional death of not only my brother, but also my father.
In just 2 ½ months it will be one year since my father took his own life, by means of a gun. I sit in disbelief even as I type, as I never would have imagined such tragedy in all of my life. At the same time I question how I am still sane?? Similar to my brother, my father also struggled with an addiction to alcohol, not a healthy coping tool when you lose a son whom you spent every day with. I would imagine as a man, it would be difficult to seek help or come to terms with the unnatural death of a son. Again, I find myself in a place of simply accepting this reality, as it will not change anything, nor provide relief as no answer would be sufficient. Coping skills again!! If you don’t work them out when life if going well, what will happen when tragedy strikes? Relief found in a bottle is only temporary, as the demons come back reminding one of their reality, simply suppressing the truth.
What is to be said for those left behind? Sister, brother, father, mother? Unanswered questions for sure, wavering faith and doubt, broken promises, empty dreams and hollow hearts. I cannot speak for anyone but myself as a sister and daughter. The broken bond between my brother and I is never broken. He lives through me and I am who I have become because I had the privilege of having him for 33 years! He taught me so many things and I cannot imagine my childhood or life without him. As great as the pain of losing him is, it is superseded by the joys of knowing him. (I love you bro!). As for losing my father, well that’s a whole different ball of wax. A wound so devastating that cuts right to the core!
On the morning of June 16th, I spoke to my father during the very early hours as he shared his disappointments from the previous days. In a drunken state, he pulled a knife on a bar employee, and was facing charges. I could hear the regret and sorrow in his voice, as he openly shared how bad he had messed up. I reassured him that he had our support and it could be a turning point in his life. A turn in which, he had the support of his family. After hanging up the phone, an inner voice (the Holy Spirit) forewarned me of what was to come. As I sit in silence, my inner dialogue went like this “he is going to take his life. That was him saying goodbye” I questioned myself, wondering if it were just fear or trauma our previous experience with my brother. So I decided to reach out and ask him, hoping that he would just reassure me that I was in a state of panic. I sent a text message expressing my fears that I believed he was going to take his life, similar to my brother. When I didn’t get an immediate response, I didn’t think anything of it as I thought maybe he didn’t read the text yet. So I continued getting ready for work, while silently praying for him. In the meanwhile, my father was executing his well devised plan and making phone calls to his loved ones to say his goodbyes. About an hour or so later, I noticed a missed call on my cell phone and a voice message. Before listening to the voice message, I called my father back. When he answered the phone, I became aware that my inner voice was accurate and it was only a matter of moments before his life would come to an end. He sounded desperate, afraid and panicked when he answered the phone. “Take care of Lizzie (his girlfriend); she is going to need you!” My immediate response was, “No Dad No! We need you. Please don’t do this. We can’t go through this again!”He repeated himself again and said, “I’m sorry. Nothing can change my mind” Then hung up the phone. Shock, numbness and hopelessness filled my body as I knew it was too late. I heard it in his voice, it was final. And if you knew my father at all, once his mind was made up, there was no turning back. It was over and I knew it.
The aftermath of that day left me breathless as I tried to survive wondering how in the world would I make it through losing two loved ones to suicide? Unlike my brother’s death, my father’s death shook me to the core. Why? Well no matter how old you are, you will always long for the love and approval of your father. Always! What does the suicide of a parent imply to surviving children? Well, the messages go sort of like this, “I wasn’t worth living for? You have two other children who are still here.” Needless to say I was broken! Having overcome many wounds from my childhood, of having a father who struggled with an addiction to alcohol, I knew where I had to go. Back to my father in heaven. You see he created us to need the approval and love from our fathers. That was his design, his plan. So how do I overcome the loss of my father who chose to end his life? Exchange the lie for the truth. My father’s death spoke several lies, which I had to exchange for God’s truth about me.
Psalms 139; 13-14 “For you created my innermost being you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that full well”.
Psalms 139: 17-18 “How precious to me are your thoughts O God. How vast is the sum of them. Were I to count them they would outnumber the grains of sand.”
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope”.
David declares in the Psalms (27: 10)” though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me”.
Psalms 68:5 “A father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families.”
I decided very early on after losing my father that I would not believe the lies that his death brought to the surface. Instead, I chose to embrace and accept the truth of my father in heaven. This is how I coped! Every day, meditating on his word, confessing it out loud until the truth became my reality and was louder than the lies. And when they crop back up and rear their ugly faces I go back to the truth about myself and who God created me to be. He has completed the work on Calvary, when his son chose to die in our place. Because of a love so great, I receive the approval and applause of heaven and so do you. Each and every one of were created and designed with a purpose, special and unique. I am not sure of your “father” issues; whether deceased, absent or living, but I can tell you that he is a father to the fatherless!!
John 3; 16 “For God so loved you that he sent his one and only begotten son so that you would not persih but have everlasting life”.
More than this precious gift, he wants you to have peace and prosper while on Earth 3 john 1; 2 “Dear friend I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well”.
So today I would encourage you to accept the truth about yourself as God sees you! His thoughts toward you are innumerable! He is and will always be your biggest fan!
IN DEEP WATERS 