“Life Lessons”
Let’s face it, I won’t sugarcoat anything. As an educator, I consider any circumstance that comes into my life a lesson to be learned. The burden of a student is to learn, while the burden of a teacher is facilitate the lesson. Only students can satisfy their requirement. I play both roles basically, they always coincide. In life, we never stop learning. We continuously evolve and adapt to new roles, always learning. At least I do, I can only speak for me.
Having said, any situation, good or bad, presents itself as an opportunity to learn, to glean and to grow. It’s a gift I inherited from an early age and thrived in school. I’ve always enjoyed learning and consider it a life long journey. The day I stop learning, is like death to me. It’s an insatiable need to for knowledge and wisdom. A gift from my maker! As an educator in the field of life, I have both a burden, as well as an honor and privilege to share, to teach and to educate. I’d like to share with you my experiences and what I’ve learned and continue to learn. It’s never over. It’s always a process. If you do not like what I have share, then by all means don’t read it. Truthfully it doesn’t matter to me. It’s my burden to teach, it’s your responsibility to learn.
My burden to teach comes at the expense of a heavy heart and a lot of tragedy. We have faced many challenges in our family and a lot of pain. I intentionally decide not to hide it but to share it as my gift to others. I talk about real stuff, messy people and who God is in the midst of it all. It’s my cross to carry and I carry it with honor, dignity and pain. So if it means for me to bear my wounds to you, then I’m all about it. In lieu of the pain that I have suffered, I consider it a teachable moment. It’s one of my coping skills. So no matter what the situation, no matter what the cost I bring it before God and say, “Lord I have no control over what comes into my life, I can only choose how I respond to it all. How can I learn from this situation?” Romans 8:28 “For we know all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose” It doesn’t say something’s, it says ALL. However there is a burden on our part. That is the response to surrender to the process. Surrendering pain to God exactly where I am at any given moment, allowing him to sort through it as we work together. As I cooperate with him, he heals my pain and we work through it. It doesn’t go away, but we walk together. As we walk together, I learn how sorrow and joy co-exist. That you really can’t have one without the other. To know true joy, you have to know and understand sorrow.
And I ask, “God what is the purpose of all this pain in my life, of losing three of the most important men in my life from my childhood to suicide?” Is it to grow, to learn, to share? My resolve is, God if we don’t use this pain for your purposes than its all in vain. I devote every ounce of my being to take care of what you have bestowed to me. My role that will never change no matter what is to be the daughter of my eternal father in heaven. As his daughter, he wants me whole. It’s a process and a lifelong adventure. As a gardener we take care of the weeds, so that I may continue to bear fruit in spite of all of the weeds. There are no simple answers to educate others about the truth of suicide and the mark that it leaves on the surviving members of the family. For surviving family members that comes in many forms. The biggest one is SILENCE! We dare not talk about it. If we talk about it we accept what some may call “the unforgivable sin” At least in a community of believers.
For those who don’t believe, we take their shame as well, in the form of judgment. What’s wrong with that family? What’s inherited in their family line that this keeps happening? And so what happens is the remaining survivors are left with either trying to keep it under the carpet and move on it, not dealing with it or feeling isolated with no one to share it with. I pray every day, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. At the end, I’m only responsible for myself. How I respond to the pain is my decision. At times it is unbearable because there are very few people whom I can share it, who simply just have the ability to listen. Not to judge or give me a quick fix or a band aid, offering some piece of information that satisfies their need to want to help the situation. I don’t seek for anyone to fix me; I’m not a puzzle to be solved. I need someone with a real heart of compassion and two big dumbo ears to listen and a mouth that seldomly speaks, “I’m so sorry” and two arms to wrap them around me and just hold me. It’s a rare find. But I have them, my crew! They are more valuable than anything in this earth and I can count them on one hand. I’m grateful for each and every one them! The true heart of Christ in human form, a rare gem if you will.
But God! He accepts me always, as I am, with no judgment. Bearing my soul and surrendering my pain is the serenity part of it. The courage portion is birthed out of my desire to teach. I am compelled to share and educate. I have a burden for people, messy people. My burden was and is birthed out of losing my brother Rick, my father and my oldest brother Rob to suicide. The burden of truth is this “They didn’t want to die; they wanted their pain to end”. I don’t want to die either; I would like the pain to end; however that’s not on my terms but his. Joy and pain will always co-exist in my life and I’m learning to be okay with that. I’m also okay with acknowledging the faith that I have, others admire it, desire it. It can’t be rubbed off on someone else; I’m not the answer to your child’s issues or the anecdote to your own insecurities or flaws. I’m simply me, while my faith can be admired, that’s okay. The truth of it is, if you want the faith that I’ve got, you also have to endure the pain I’ve experienced and persevered through and surely you don’t want to walk in these flip flops for they were created for me. Simply follow me, as I follow him. That’s it, the only certainty I have. If you know me, you know where to find me. Kneeling at the altar, pouring out my heart to my father in pure surrender.
I’ve always had hope, even now as I walk through the valley now. I know beyond any doubt or fear, my greatest victories are yet to come. Feelings are temporary, meant to be expressed and felt. The challenge of having faith in these moments gets conflicted because faith isn’t dependent on our feelings. Faith is dependent on being fed. Romans 10:17 Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. My burden in losing the 3 men of my youth is to express the pain, acknowledge it and continue to feed my faith daily, with the confidence in knowing that God will work this out for my good, when I take responsibility for myself. For when this life is over, we will each give an account of our own life and our works will be tested through the fire 1 Corinthians 3:13. This means, not casting judgment on others. This world would be a better place if we each took responsibility for our own actions. The reality for me has been free will. My pain comes at the expense of others, yet I will continue to choose life. Maybe I can’t change the world, but if I can change the life of one person my job is done! For God leaves the 99 to go after the 1! I am imperfect like you, saved by grace.
IN DEEP WATERS 